Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Fluttering Thoughts

Warning: This is a bit of a ranting post and contains offensive comments and fat bashing. If you don't like it, don't read it. Why do we do this? Really, what are my goals and my purpose in doing this? I dont understand sometimes. Really, when I look at those poor little emaciated bodies, I don't want that. I just want to be a little thinner. I'm almost at 130, the I'll be at 127 soon. The weight I always tell people that I am. Then, I'll be at 125. That number scares me and excites me at the same time. What will I look like when I get to that point? Then there's 120, officallyunderweight. Anything under 122 is underweight and that's just fine by me. and lower and lower. What is fueling me? The looks, the comments, the smile on his face, his hands on my ribs and hips, my tiny waist. No jiggle in the thighs. No disgusting love handles and rolls. I will not be one of the millions obese fatties huffing and puffing from the slighest exertion. Sweating, smelling bad, being slow, being ugly, being hated, heart problems, bad skin, hurt knees, homebound, using a motorized wheelchair bc I can't stand long enough to do my fucking shopping, broken chairs, huge food bills, people staring and laughing, rolls, double chins, flappy arms, alone for the rest of my life living with 20 cats, high carbs sugars fat, high blood pressure, clogged arteries, medications, triple bi-pass, lap band, disappointing, ugly, failure, self loathing, lonely, loser, disgusting, fat fuck.         I want to live in the fairy world. Be the ethereal ballerina princess. Dancing in the air and pirouetting on the clouds. Wandering carefree in a world made of glitter sunshine and fantasy. Skirts twirling, laughter, soft things, beauty, wild and reckless. Devil may care. Dancing in the flames. Skinny legs. Hollow stomach. Light as a feather. Floating, happy free. Lost from this world. Off the map. No pain, no tears, no hurt, no lies, no hate. Just delirious happiness, everything my way. Never lacking, never wanting. Perfection. Is it worth the pain? Will I be truly happy? Will I find my secret world? Only one way to find out...<3


  1. I really love the comparisons (sp). Great discriptives that is how prolly we all feel. I want to live in that fairy land.

    I dont want you to be all confused tho. I hate when I get like that. And, I know what you mean about the pics of the skin and bones. I dont want to look like that. But, sickly enough, I want to get as close as possible without looking like that. Someone commented on my blog and pointed out we all have our own varying degrees of this 'issue'. So, I guess...that's true. Do what makes you feel comfortable girl.
    Stay Strong<3 And happy!
    Jane P

  2. You say all those horrid things about fat people. What about you? What about all those other girls with eating disorders? Like you aren't self loathing. Grow up. Stop judging people just because of the way they look. So disgusting and immature. I don't understand how any boy or man would want to be with you. You are disgraceful.

  3. Dear anonymous, my post is not about fat people and judging people by the way they look. It is about how I feel about myself. I'm sorry if my blog posts offend you, but it is a form of therapy for my disordered mind. It's better for me to vent my thoughts than to keep them locked up.I am self loathing. That's why I'm here. I'm judging nobody but myself. If you don't like it, don't come to my blog. I believe you are being hateful and judgmental, and I am sorry that you can't see or understand what I'm trying to deal with. By the way, if you really had confidence in what you said, you wouldn't post as anonymous...