Thursday, January 30, 2014

That's What He Said

"There's hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness.
We are lutes, no more, no less. If the soundbox
is stuffed full of anything, no music.
If the brain and belly are burning clean
with fasting, every moment a new song comes out of the fire.
The fog clears, and new energy makes you
run up the steps in front of you."

*     *     *

He looks over at me from across the room. Curiosity fills his eyes, quickly turning to suspicion. I look away guiltily as the lions in my stomach roar, giving me away.

"Are you hungry? What did you eat today"

"No, I'm fine. I had some fruit and stuff."

His wary gaze penetrates me a few seconds longer and narrows. He tilts his head slightly and continues his examination, searching for something.

" I forget I have to watch you and make sure you're eating..."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

An Apple a Day...


      So, here I stand before you, head hung in shame. I'm feeling lost and out of control with my eating. I am on my period, so I'm probably being very dramatic about all of this, but enough is enough! I made myself a promise that until family dinner on Sunday, nothing but water, tea, fruit and veg shall pass these lips. I literally will not let another damn thing enter. I told myself this morning that this is my final chance. If I can't maintain this for 5 days, then it's no food at all for me. I'm planning on dropping ten pounds by Monday. I know that sounds ridiculous or crazy, but I'm retaining a whole lot of water, so probably half of what I lose will be that damn water weight, and hopefully the terrible bloating will go away. 
         I'll probably have around 500 cal per day x 5= 2,500 intake. I'm gonna be conservative on the output and say I burn about 2000 per day (I'm super active so it's probably a little higher) x 5= 10,000. So that's a deficit of -1,500 per day or -8,000 calories over 5 days. So, at least 2 real pounds of pure fat will be gone, plus whatever water weight comes out. After this little fruit fast, I am going to make a serious dietary change. I want to try and adopt a mostly vegan diet, but I won't push it in front of my family or BF, so they don't ask questions. So, vegan whenever I'm alone, and as vegetarian as possible around people, but I'm not going to tell them my secret. Oh I pray that I can regain control of my life and be as healthy as possible. 

         If I can just shove a bunch of pure low cal vitamins and minerals down my throat for two weeks, I know I'll feel so great. Hopefully once my nutrition gets back on track, I can then focus on incorporating more cardio workouts into my life, and achieve optimum health.

Until 120 XoXo,

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Everything That Kills me Makes me Feel Alive

So, I'm planning on fruit and veg only fasting until Sunday evening.
That's almost 5 days of only the purest things going into my body.
I need a jump start for sure.
Oh and lots and lots and lots of water.
I'm using a cleaned out milk gallon as my daily water bottle.
That should be plenty.
My goal is to be 129 lbs by Monday
That's all for now 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Got to be Good Looking, 'Cause I'm so Hard to See

Feeling kind of blah today. Why can't I get it right? It's this simple. Drink water. Eat fruit and vegetables. Exercise as much as you can stand, and then some. Simple right? Too bad nobody relayed this message to my evil hands. They must belong to a morbidly obese woman with how much food they try to cram down on a nightly basis. 

I'm fucking sick of this. I'm banning myself from dinner again. That seems to be the only way I can stave off the binge. I wish someone would kidnap me, tie me up for a few days and force me to exercise every day with minimal food, then release me unharmed three weeks later. 

Any volunteers?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Let the Rain Wash Away, All the Pain of Yesterday

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I know I'm late, but I've been rather sick lately, and haven't been up to posting. The plus side? I'm @ 132 lbs this morning, and my appetite still has not returned. I'm still feeling a little week, so I'll go for now, but first, my new years resolutions.
1. 8 cups water per day, no exceptions
2, Ab workout every other day
3. stretch every day
4. Get down to 120lbs and stay there forever