Now You See Me...

"Are you sure? Bangs are a big commitment! You'll have to style them every day. Nobody is going to recognize you either..."

After that last line, how could I not be sure? Being able to pass through town unrecognized. No one stopping you to talk, because they have no idea who you are any more. Unrecognizable. Able to just disappear on a moments notice. 

Forever. 

I apologize for letting my grief overtake me these past weeks, and neglecting my weight loss competition. I've been eating and eating and eating... Ugh 

Weight:133.6

We still have about three weeks left. There is no excuse to not drop at least 6 pounds by then, but hopefully more like 10. I'm having a fasting contest with a friend, and I'm taking a pic of my gigantic body each morning, so you can see the amazing difference fasting can make in your life. After I finally give in, hopefully I can go 4 days at least, I will be restricting like crazy. 800 calories is the ultimate threshold for calorie consumption. Even if I have a holiday function. Even if I'm sick. Even if I have gymnastics practice. I am out of excuses and I am out of patience. This is it...

Tomorrow , Tomorrow, I'll Love ya Tomorrow!

Dealing with my Grandpa's death has been hard, but I'm feeling better a little. Been eating waaaaay too much lately.I'll be back and posting tomorrow <3 

Distance

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. Please don't let my absence deter your efforts with the weight loss challenge. My grandfather had massive heart failure, was in a coma, and passed away the other day. I haven't felt much like talking :/ sorry. I'll post again on Friday, because I still have a big announcement to make.

Weigh Day #2!

Soooooo I am a massively bloated hippopotamus today. I started my period 2 days ago, and I am just bloated and swollen everywhere. Earlier this week, I was noticing some differences in my sides and my ribs were more prominent, then yesterday after work, I looked huge! I've been restricting so hard, so I know I'm just retaining water, but this is ridiculous. I refuse to weigh myself under these circumstances and get discouraged, so I will weigh myself when my period is over. How did everyone else do this week? I know I still need to tell you about my amazing news, but I need to wait until I have more time to really do the story some justice. Maybe after class? 

Take care for now, and don't forget to weigh in!

<3Sunshine

TGIF! It's Weigh Day!

Hello, hello, hello!
It's that magical day :) Friday!
I'll admit, this week has been a little rough, but I made out all right most days. It has been killing me to not know my weight all week. I finally got to jump on the scale this morning and the number popped up 132.4! In this first week, I've lost 2.6 lbs! Yaya
I don't have much time to type right now, but I have some very exciting news later :) Today is a fasting day ladies. How did you measure up today? <3 Sunshine

Damn Bread

Ok, so I did well all day yesterday having just meat, cheese, soy milk, and eggs. Then, my BF brought home a loaf of herb and garlic french bread and a Milky Way bar... Why does he torture me so? We all know where this is going right? A late night binge of a candy bar, a huge chunk of bread, and a granola bar. Why!? Well, I'll just eat extra healthy food today and try to restrict more to stay way under the 1200 calorie limit today. 

Today you can eat whatever food you please so long as there is no refined sugars, fried foods, junk food, prepackaged snacks, etc. Just nice whole grains, fruit, veg, and protein. Dairy is not out of the question, but keep it in check. Ice cream does not count as a dairy product. It is junk and you don't need it. Just keep your head up today and lets make it through. That Friday weigh in is creeping up on us! 

How will you measure up? 

Ab workout for today= 

75 crunches

75 sit ups

5x 30 second planks

50 legs lifts

Get it done, ladies!

Silly Me!

It's Tuesday!! That means we need an exercise challenge today. Let's start off with something simple. I want 25 minutes of cardio activity today. Ride a bike, swim, dance, jump around like a crazy person. I don't care what you do so long as you get it done. I am going to get to the gym early today and jump rope for my cardio. I finally figured out how to jumprope without tripping and whipping myself with the damn rope. Yay me!

I just realized that I should probably post my ab workout on Monday morning, not after I complete it. The problem with that is I get out of practice around 10 PM, so everyone reading this has already finish their Monday by the time  I post. Silly time zones. If anyone is still interested, I did a super fast workout of 50 sit-ups, 50 crunches, 50 oblique twists, 50 butterfly kicks, and then I did some hollow body holds. My abs were burning so badly after wards. How did everyone do with the fruit and veg day? I'll admit, it was a huge challenge, but I think I did ok.

Breakfast = huge soy protein shake   (300)

Lunch= Mango (50) cliff granola bar , oops :/ (200)

Snack= Snow peas and hummus (150)

Dinner= Home made vegetable soup, sooooo good (350?) I had a lot lol

Total= 1050? 

I like to estimate high so I know I'm safe calorie wise.

It is killing me to not be able to weigh myself. I want to know if I'm losing any weight! It's so tempting to jump on that damn scale. Anyway, I'm looking forward to today's challenge. 800 calories of pure protein :) So far I've had a chunk of Gouda Cheese and some roast beef. I'm probably around (150) for breakfast, and I feel stuffed. I need to make sure I drink my 8 cups of lemon water today. Having enough water has always been a challenge to me. It's just so heavy in my stomach. O well. How did you all do yesterday? <3 Sunshine

P.S.  I'm thinking of doing a drastic change with my hair. I'm thinking some half moon bangs and some layers. Right now my hair is just all the same length and super long. Its down to my butt when I brush it out. I still want it to be long, but I need change! Anyone with bang experience out there? Do you love them, hate them? Lemme know :)

To Infinity, and Beyond!

I smoked and am not faced with the munchies. Out of all the temptations, guess which snack I chose? A big ol' Honey Crisp apple. It was rather difficult to control my self but ladies (any gentlemen out there reading?) , I made the right choice. Apples good, Halloween candy baaaaaad. Thank you for the response to the weight loss challenge. Looks like I have four readers participating :) Remember, It's never too late to join in. I guess it's too late when the challenge is over, but ya know. Any who, Tomorrow is Meager Meatless Monday!! Start your week off with a generous day (1000 cal)  of vegetarian/veganish goodness. No meat, no dairy, no refined carbs/starches or junk (bread, cereal, candy, chips, etc.) Tomorrow is plain and simple. Fruit, veg, and tons of water. Simple as that. Hopefully, more people will join in on our challenge. Don't you want to be thin for the holidays?  Maybe I should offer some sort of prize or incentive for participants?
Here's my consumption for the day:
Cool whip and strawberries=300?
Bread= 300?
chips and salsa=100?
veg and dressing=150?
bratwurst= 200?
pork steak= 300?
Random nibbles= 300?
Apple= 120
Total= 1770?

I have no exact amounts today because it is the kinda "cheat day" in this challenge. Time to cut way back tomorrow. Also, I need a haircut, brow wax, and groceries.  How did everyone do this weekend?

Friday Check in #1

Here we go!! Day one of the challenge :) It's FASTING FRIDAY That means no calories today. Just lots of pure water to clean out and purify your body. My starting weight for this challenge in 135 : ( I decided to have one last night of cutting loose. It was Halloween after all, right? Not an excuse, I know, but it happened. I'd like anyone interested in joining the weight loss challenge from my previous post to leave a comment below. Tell me, what are your goals for this challenge? How much weight would you like to lose between now and Christmas Eve? My goal is to lose 12 lbs and possibly develop a thigh gap. 123 here I come. Anyone with me?

Countdown to the Holidays Challenge

If you've been tuned in to my sad little saga for some time, you'll know that I don't often meet the deadlines I set for myself. So, the details of the challenge I was going to post last night are being posted now :) So, in case you haven't heard, I'm hosting a weight loss challenge! It is going to run from today until Christmas eve. Give yourself the gift of a perfect body this holiday season! Wow, I sound like a commercial now lol  Anyways... 

Here are the basic rules for the challenge:

1. Fridays are weigh days

* If you are participating in the challenge, I'm going to post a check in post on Friday mornings. You should comment on the post  with your weight, or your loss for the week :)

2. You can feel free to join in the challenge at any time

3. Only weigh in on Friday mornings.

* I know it's tempting, but I don't want you to be discouraged by small fluctuations throughout the week. Plus, this makes your weight loss a surprise!

4. Proper hydration is key! 8 glasses per day of water

5. Follow the daily themes! It's gonna be fun, trust me.

 Each day of the week will have a theme:

Meager Meatless Mondays=

 No meat, no dairy and no bread today. Try to fill up on around 1000 calories of pure, unrefined fruit and vegetables. I know, its a lot of calories, and a lot of food, but it will do wonders for your body. Try to incorporate an ab workout today. I'll post my personal workout on this day :)

Tiny Tummy Tuesday=

Today is all about debloating the tummy. Aim for 8 glasses of lemon water to flush out toxins and get rid of excess water. Try to make today as low as possible on carbs. 800 cal or less of pure protein; eggs, meat, fish, nuts, legumes, soy. Whatever  floats your boat :) I'll post an exercise challenge each Tuesday.

No Worries Wednesday=

Today is kind of a free day. Eat whatever clean foods you want, but stay under 1200! Absolutely no junk food, candy, cakes, chips, etc. Another abs workout day!

Thinking Thin Thursday=

Cut carbs and calories today. The maximum is 500 calories. Try to limit the carbs to those found in whole fruits and veg. Make sure to get some nice protein as well. Today is a last chance to cut out weight before the weigh in tomorrow morning! Also, cutting way back will help with fasting tomorrow. 

Fasting Friday=

It's weigh day!!! Get your skinny ass up on the scale and report your wonderful loss on my weigh in post. Only water/tea/coffee today. No sweeteners. Trust me on this one. Just take a day each week to let your boy heal and detox. Evaluate your loss this week. No hard exercise today. 

Soup and Smoothie Saturday=

If you made it through the fast, you haven't had real food since Wednesday. You don't want to shock your system too badly with a sudden belly full of food. Let's have around 900 cal of healthy soup and smoothies. Be gentle on your body. Work those abs out today!!

Funday Sunday!=

This is family dinner day for me, so I can't be too restrictive. Today is a free day, so eat what you wish. Try to listen to your body and only eat if you are hungry. Allow your self one treat, but keep it in moderation. No other junk foods or bad foods allowed except your treat. Try to keep the treat or dessert under 350

Any comments, concerns or questions? Let me know <3 Sunshine

Trick or Treat?

First of all, I would just like to say thank you for all of the beautiful comments lately :) I'm not sure why, but the ones I've received in the past two weeks or so have really touched me. It's nice to know someone cares.

So I got a terrifying Halloween surprise this morning. I stepped on the scale, and it read 136.6! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry for the theatrics lol , but this just could not be possible.  I rearranged and recalibrated the scale and it read a much lower 133.4 (still disgusting, I know)  I'm just so happy that the first number wasn't true.

This morning, I got a random FB message from a girl I used to work with. She told me I should dress up as Harley Quinn from the batman movies. I asked her why, and she said , " Because you're lean, have a wicked sense of humor, and you're a gymnast!" Ok ok lol fair enough. I'm just not sure I'd be comfortable wearing that skin tight contraption in public. Maybe when I'm thinner...

Speaking of being thinner, it's getting to be that time of year. Starting tomorrow, I feel like the holiday season has commenced. So, I want to start a new challenge that runs from tomorrow until Christmas. I will post rules and such later today. That would give us 53 days to reach our goal weights. What do you all think? Does anyone want to join me in this? Happy Halloween <3

Why am I so Weird?

I think I am rather fond of suffering. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but this is not a new development. When I was little, I loved to read about WWII and famine and rationing and suffering. I wanted to live through a terrible war that caused me to suffer, but I would survive. I spent a whole summer digging holes in my back yard, because I felt like I had to struggle and work. I would write out hour by hour schedules of what I had to be doing,  I would create workout circuits in my house so i could exercise without anyone knowing what I was up to. I would eat packets of dry oatmeal, because I thought it would take up less room and take a lot longer to eat.

 In fifth grade, I convinced the other girls to diet with me. We wouldn't finish our chocolate milk at school, and we challenged each other on who could eat less of the school lunch. I remember that twice a year they would weigh and measure us at school unexpectedly. Once, in either 4th or 5th grade I remember they told us a few days before they were going to weigh us. The night before the weigh in, I played so hard on the jungle gym in my backyard so I could burn off all my weight. I remember them telling me my height and weight, and I couldn't figure out of it was good or bad, but I figured it could never be too low, so I tried dieting. 

In 3rd grade I remember my cousin telling me if you stood with your feet shoulder width apart, you should be able to fit a quarter between your thighs. Otherwise you were fat. We decided to diet and ride bikes together to lose weight. 

In 6th grade, there was a girl who seemed absolutely perfect. She was a good church girl, but so friendly, and everyone liked her. She had the most beautiful long hair and a bright shining smile. Someone told me that she would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like she needed to do sit-ups and other exercise or she couldn't go back to sleep. I always wanted to ask her why she did it, but I've never asked.

Even to this day, I feel like I need to suffer and never have enough. I want to live day to day not knowing if I'm going to be able to eat. Constantly pushing my body to it's limit. I want to feel weak and empty.  I want to be the ragged , scratched up, skinny survivor with her head held high, and pride intact. This is what excites me, and I couldn't ever explain why.

The Reasons I Fasted Today

Pizza
Bread
Brownies
Fries
Chicken wings
Cheese
Dinner
Past two nights

You Can't Buy Love Cause it's Overpriced

I think the big question that's lurking in all of our minds is this: What the hell am I supposed to be doing? Seriously, is there a person out there that doesn't question who they are and the choices they make every single day? Or is this just me?  What keeps us from looking deep inside to our core and finding what we are made to do in this lifetime? 

Fear.

Absolutely 100% of everything that holds me back is fear. Fear of trying and failing. Who wants to reach for the stars when you know at any second someone could pull the ladder out from under you? The fall is terrifying, and when you crash and shatter into a million pieces, who is going to be there to sort out the pieces and glue you back together? 

It's far safer to just stay holed up in my fort of delusion.  The walls are made of books, and the mundane evils of the world cannot reach me here. Every night, the starlight grows brighter, reaching out to me, beckoning. I try to touch them, reaching through my window, but they are beyond my touch. If only I could embark on some great adventure, and capture some starlight in a jar. There is magic in the stars, I can feel it. I stand on the threshold, jar in hand.  I am paralyzed by fear. When I was dropped on this strange planet, my map was all wrong. My compass needle spins interminably. 

If only there was someone to show me the way.

Leap of Faith

I realized that if I don't get going with all of my goals and aspirations, I'll never get anything accomplished.  The first crazy step I took was to submit photos to 3 modeling agencies, and hope for an interview.  It's been 2 days now, and the sites said if they have any interest, they will contact me within two weeks. If I get no response, I'll lose more weight and submit new pic sometime after the new year. Fingers Crossed XX

Also, I'm working hard to eliminate all extras in my life. I've already given away 7 bags of clothing and two bags of shoes. Some of it was my boyfriends stuff, but still. That's a lot of extra crap for 2 people to own. I'm almost completely done editing my wardrobe, I just need to give away a few more things.  I need to stop hoarding notebooks and books. If I have no use for them, they must be eliminated. Just like these extra pounds... I've been maintaining around 131 lbs without much effort. Time to work hard again and stop slacking. I've been way too lazy as of late.

The Sun Also Rises

Yesterday, I was walking around the house in my bra and undies and my boyfriend was sitting on the couch looking at me. I asked him what he would do if I was this skinny, and I sucked my stomach in as far as I could. My ribs were all showing, there were dents under my back ribs, and my hipbones were jutting out. He stared an me rather intensely and said, ' I would still love you, but I'd tell you to eat a little more."  Of course, in my head, I heard, " Go for it, baby! I'll tell you when you get too skinny, and that's when you should stop." Challenge accepted!

Wow, I'm delusional. That's ok though. We're all a little mad here. Am I right?

Any whoooo... So I noticed that my boyfriend hasn't really been eating the same as he used to. I asked why, and he said he wan'ts to get his weight down to 169 again ( He's at 174) Apparently, it makes him " stronger for gymnastics." Well, it seems we might have a new passenger on the crazy train. I'm not sure I could handle that. Skinny guys are not my thing. I love muscles. He has like zero fat on his body, so I don't really think he'd be able to lose much without losing strength. At least we're on the same page for a while.

I Deserve Nice Things, Damnit!

Following the suggestion of Fat Piggy, I've decided to knit myself a wonderful, beautiful infinity scarf. The wool I have is a beautiful variegated steel grey and white. After I finish this project, I'm going to start on a massive crochet project. Confession, I have a huge stash of yarn in all different colors and thicknesses. I don't know why, but I have a craft supply obsession. I stock up on yarn, material, thread, fancy paper, glitter, paint, etc. but I never seem to get around to using the supplies. My goal is to knit a bunch of squares and rectangles and patchwork them all into a giant blanket. It will be very distracting, and will keep the hands busy and away from the food. Just gotta stay empty <3

I Didn't Mean It. Please Help Me

I have no idea what I want anymore. I need a major distraction. What do you all do to distract yourselves for long periods of time. What can I do to avoid food and pain? Please suggest any non thinspo activities that help keep you sane <3 Sunshine

Losing it All

I want my life back. I'm tired of all of the pain I cause to myself and others. Yes, being thin is a thrill, but life is a lot more important than that. There is so much more out there. Go find it. Goodbye <3

Every Thorn Has Its Rose

My lady time will be over tomorrow, so I'll eat very very light tomorrow, then begin weighing again on Friday morning. I'm getting it all together, one step at a time. Soon, I'll be able to rest in the crescent of the moon. Just gotta keep reaching for those stars.

If Only, If Only, the Woodpecker Sighs...

I'm feeling so content lately. Things have calmed down over here, and the waves which once crashed around me have subsided into gentle ripples. I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life. What are the essentials for my happiness? If I was given access to anything I want in the world, what would I take to build my paradise? 

I would live in a beautiful white house, preferably by the sea and mountains. The house would be very rustic and traditional. Lace curtains in the windows. Window boxes full of flowers. A little walkout balcony from the lofted master bedroom with French doors. There would be a white picket fence and a little kitchen garden. Maybe even a little green house. I would also need a hammock under a big tree. 

My house would be simple on the inside. A little kitchen and a big wooden table to dine around with friends and family. A huge free standing bathtub to soak in. A big stone fireplace. There might be one TV in the living room, but it will not be the focal point. It might be brought out for special occasions, but it will be stored in a cabinet where it can be put out of sight. 

My pantry would be stocked only with the freshest ingredients. No fake foods allowed. Meals cooked with love from scratch. I'd have a special little cabinet stocked with fine chocolates and tea. Never to be binged upon, but enjoyed fully in moderation.

 There would be a little reading nook by the window overlooking the sea. A floor to ceiling bookshelf. I would have a little wardrobe with only the most beautiful essential items of clothing. Laundry would dry on the line and smell of sunshine. I would have a bicycle with a basket, and town would be a short ride away. No need for a car. 

I would earn a living writing and illustrating my novels. My loving husband and beautiful children by my side.  I would paint and draw and swim in the sea. I would spend my days wandering and exploring and absorbing the world around me.  A simple wholesome life full of wonder and happiness. 

Keeping Myself Sane

I weighed in this morning at 130.8 :) My period is due tomorrow, so I'm not going to weigh myself again until it's over. I tend to bloat up and hold onto water weight during my period, so I'm going to avoid the feeling of , oh no i must have fucked up, so fuck it all, I'm going to pig out. following the advice of Fat Piggy @ (Size) Zero Intentions I'm going to be kind to myself, and save myself the mindless heart ache.  If it starts tomorrow, I will weigh in again on Tuesday morning. Hopefully I'll be somewhere in the 128 range. I'd really like that. The scale is off limits until then.

Manorexia

It's interesting how your habits can rub off on other people. I do about 98% of the shopping and cooking around here. Ever since I started cooking as clean and healthy as I can I've seen a drastic drop in my weight. This morning I weighed 131.2! I've dropped almost 9 lbs in about a week :) Here's the real kicker though. My boyfriend's weight is usually between 176-180 lbs. He weighed himself this morning and started shouting for me to come over and look at the scale. He weighs 168.8! So he's dropped at least 7.2 lbs from the clean eating. I find that hilarious. He was so excited. He is very competitive with his older brother, especially with fitness/gymnastics stuff. They are the same height, but his brother is usually leaner and about 10 lbs lighter because he does a lot more cardio. His brother is obsessed with cycling. I could tell that he really liked being lighter, even if he won't admit it.

 " See! I told you not to worry about your weight. See how much mine fluctuated this week? That's water weight for you!" 

Sure, :) that's what's been going on. Or, maybe it's because we cut out all of the junk and have been eating 1000 or less calories each day while maintaining our high level of activity. I'll let you keep thinking it's just water weight. ;)

 I haven't told him about my weight loss, and I don't really plan on it. I don't want any suspicion to arise  and I don't want to stop eating clean. My ribs are starting to show more on the sides, and the dents are deeper on the front. My cheek bones are starting to pop again, and the thighs are separating. I just wish my body wasn't so backed up. I read that this could happen sometimes when you switch to clean eating. I really don't want to depend on laxis.

Exhaustion

I pushed myself so hard at practice today. My body is shattered. I need water and then bed. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow. Today I weighed 132.2!! :) After eating all day , I weigh the same. Looking forward to more losses tomorrow <3

Progress March On

132.6! Clean eating is incredible :) Really, you all need to give it a try. I gotta rn to gymnastics practice, but hopefully you are all doing well. Let's hope for 132 tomorrow morning, ya? Still backed up lol <3 sunshine

Am I Asking Too Much?

This is all I want :) I'm asking for less than I have, so I don't feel I'm being greedy. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Irrelevant Elephant

It's working, it's working, it's working!! (Fingers Crossed) I woke up today at a startling 133.6 lbs Wowzer :) Breakfast was healthy whole wheat clean pancakes, strawberries, and a glass of chocolate soy milk. Lunch didn't happen, because Sunday is family dinner day :p We went out to eat, and my dad ordered nachos topped in cheese, tomato, olives, jalapenos, black beans, and sour cream. To avoid suspicion, I had about 4 chips with really light toppings. Whenever we order something shareable, like sandwiches, my dad and I will cut them in half and trade halves.  So, I had half a veggie burger, discarding the top bun. then, half of a salmon BLT, eating mostly just the fish, without the extra bread, and about 3 fries. For a late night snack, I'm having air popped popcorn. I just weighed myself, and after all of that "unclean" dinner food, I'm right around 134.4 lbs.  

Here's the part where I broadly try to guess how many calories I had today.

Breakfast:

Strawberries (50)

Pancakes( 200?)

Soy milk (160)

Lunch:

Nothing

Dinner:

Nachos(100?)

Veggie burger (75?)

Salmon(60)

Bread(100)

Fries (50)

Snack:

popcorn (100)

Total= 895?  

I'm really not sure how accurate that is, but I tried to guess high.
I am confident that it's under 1000 though :D

I simply can not wait to weigh in tomorrow morning.  Last night, after my popcorn snack, I weighed around 136, and I woke up at 133.6. If I lose the same again, I'll be at 132. Let's not get too crazy though. I would settle for 133 flat :)  Also, I'm a little, ummm, backed up, so hopefully after that issue is solved, my weight will drop more. Should I take a laxi? I think I'll wait it out another day.

I can't wait to be back under 130.