Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have? 
I try to eat breakfast sometimes, but I feel like that's too early in the day to start having calories. I'll usually have a Monster Absolute Zero energy drink (0) and if I want to eat, I'll have a pineapple greek yogurt (160) That's really about it. I've never been much of a breakfast person though.

I think that when I first started this blog, Anorexia was like a game for me. I think that i thought that this was something that you could just choose to do for a little while to lose some weight, and then you you stop whenever you were done. I would stick to my plans for a long time and then just kind of drift away to normal eating for a while. I would sometime use "anorexia" as a compensation tool if I felt like I ate too much the day before.  I would take it too far sometimes, like this summer, and then I would let people take over and help me "get better"  Now, it seems so different. It's not a choice any more. Every day, every second, it's in the back of my mind calculating planning, scheming.  Sometimes, I have thoughts of getting better, eating normally, and it sounds so nice and wonderful, and I feel so happy at the prospect. Then, that part of my brain just shuts down and ana takes over. All thoughts of normalcy obliterated.  It's crazy how fast it takes over.  And you know what the kicker is? Nobody believes me. I've tried hinting, leaving evidence, outright telling people, and they just blow it off.   Fuck. And you know what? They tell me " Oh, you're so skinny! You don't need to lose weight! How much do you weigh anyways?"  Does it matter!? It's not about the number. It never was about the number. I'm not scared of being fat. I'm not scared of food. I'm not trying to control my life. I just don't want food. I want strength. I hate being so weak. Don't tell me this is just a phase. Don't tell me it's because I want to be skinny. Don't tell me it's because of images in the media. Don't tell me it's because I'm trying to look like a supermodel. Don't tell me it's a coping mechanism, because I'm living on my own for the first time, because my mom abandoned us last year, because my parents never cared, because nobody ever paid attention, because I was born in the wrong place in the wrong time, because I can't deal with the changes...  I AM NOT LIKE ANYBODY ELSE. I AM ME. I AM NOT THESE OTHER PEOPLE. It's not a problem, it's the solution. I don't know how or why Ana chose me, but I'm happier now. How long will this go on? I have no idea. Is this something I can sustain for the rest of my life? I don't know, but I'm going to find out.     
Until the lights fade. Until the flame sputters. Until all strength has failed. Past the point of no return. Hand in hand we walk towards darkness. 


  1. I get what you mean about the strength thing! I don't know what the real reason was for this for me - there seem to be so many, but a main one seems to be that I feel weak and lazy and I also associate laziness with butchness (in a non sexist way) but I want to be strong and feminine. so it's more about how strong I want to feel than how I look.
    Lottie x

  2. I agree too. I've thought of Ana to be a game yet, something about being strong and holding on. Its not always about being skinny. Dont give up my lovely. Also, this is completely off topic but I was wondering.. About how long did it take you to get your back handspring?