Progress March On

132.6! Clean eating is incredible :) Really, you all need to give it a try. I gotta rn to gymnastics practice, but hopefully you are all doing well. Let's hope for 132 tomorrow morning, ya? Still backed up lol <3 sunshine

Am I Asking Too Much?

This is all I want :) I'm asking for less than I have, so I don't feel I'm being greedy. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Irrelevant Elephant

It's working, it's working, it's working!! (Fingers Crossed) I woke up today at a startling 133.6 lbs Wowzer :) Breakfast was healthy whole wheat clean pancakes, strawberries, and a glass of chocolate soy milk. Lunch didn't happen, because Sunday is family dinner day :p We went out to eat, and my dad ordered nachos topped in cheese, tomato, olives, jalapenos, black beans, and sour cream. To avoid suspicion, I had about 4 chips with really light toppings. Whenever we order something shareable, like sandwiches, my dad and I will cut them in half and trade halves.  So, I had half a veggie burger, discarding the top bun. then, half of a salmon BLT, eating mostly just the fish, without the extra bread, and about 3 fries. For a late night snack, I'm having air popped popcorn. I just weighed myself, and after all of that "unclean" dinner food, I'm right around 134.4 lbs.  

Here's the part where I broadly try to guess how many calories I had today.

Breakfast:

Strawberries (50)

Pancakes( 200?)

Soy milk (160)

Lunch:

Nothing

Dinner:

Nachos(100?)

Veggie burger (75?)

Salmon(60)

Bread(100)

Fries (50)

Snack:

popcorn (100)

Total= 895?  

I'm really not sure how accurate that is, but I tried to guess high.
I am confident that it's under 1000 though :D

I simply can not wait to weigh in tomorrow morning.  Last night, after my popcorn snack, I weighed around 136, and I woke up at 133.6. If I lose the same again, I'll be at 132. Let's not get too crazy though. I would settle for 133 flat :)  Also, I'm a little, ummm, backed up, so hopefully after that issue is solved, my weight will drop more. Should I take a laxi? I think I'll wait it out another day.

I can't wait to be back under 130. 

Orthorexia

Super dooper exciting news!!! My boyfriend has had enough of my belly aching about how horrible junk food makes me feel. So you know what we did? We made the house binge proof :) All the junky food is pretty much gone. The fridge and pantry are filled with amazing, good for me things like strawberries, apples, broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, asparagus, all natural soy milk, natural chicken breasts, almonds, quinoa, and flax seeds to name a few things. :D We are avoiding sugar, white flour, preservatives, salt, and any chemical filled processed things. We are eating wonderful real fresh foods. My weight had ballooned almost up to 140 lbs Thursday morning. Guess what I weighed this morning?134.2! HA I'm very excited about all of this. Really, this is something I can sustain. I'm still not eating after 5 though :) 

Gotta keep dropping those lbs!

Never,Never, Never Give Up

Through the darkest days,
and the longest nights,
we stand strong.

From rivers of tears,
and the forest of fear,
we emerge victorious.

Arms wide open,
swords undrawn,
unguarded, we run into battle.

Battered and bruised,
torn and bleeding,
we fight a perpetual war.

The shadows seem near,
but fight on dear sister,
for this too shall pass.

Vegan Ventures

 The things that they do to poor little animals. I'm really thinking of going vegan. Isn't this shit kick ass? Vegan love and thinspo esque <3 I'd love to hear advice & opinions from any vegetarians or vegans out there :)

Just the Essentials

I Can"t Change, Even if I Try...

It is alarming the number of people who contact me asking how to "become anorexic".  Maybe I romanticize the eating disorder thing a bit. Maybe my delusions and rants seem like a dream world to some of you. Let me be quite clear, it's a nightmare. 

This is how my day to day life goes. Wake up. Stand too quickly. Lightheaded, down the stairs. Care-ful-ly. Go to the bathroom. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not today. Relief. Then, I put whatever I was holding down, and strip down to my soul. Drag my self back on the scale for daily judgement. The number flashes. It better be lower than the day before. Much lower. It's never low enough. God forbid it goes up. Even a mark. This is the lowest my weight will be all day. Unless I fast... 

Get dressed. I swear my clothes shrank again. All of them. Whatever. Coffee and something light. Hope the coffee does it"s magic and cleans out my insides. If so, weigh myself again after. Compare to before weight. Get on with my day. Go to school. Take notes while planning intake amounts and projected weight loss in the borders of my notebook. Every page. Charts and graphs. Lunch is always optional. Go home.  Lift my shirt and leer at my reflection in the mirror. My abs are ok, but look at those love handles. Disgusting. Weigh myself. Account for clothing. Waste time on thinspo sites. Weigh myself before work or gymnastics. Move as much as I can. Drink copious amounts of water. Arrive home. Stare at my reflection again. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not. Use the toilet. Strip. Drag my self back on the scale for judgement. Jump in the tub and sweat out some water weight. Resist all food until bedtime. Quiet the stomach lions with more water. Weigh myself. Go to bed.Calm the racing mind. Exhaustion eventually takes over.  Nightmares.  Wake up . Room spinning...

I'm not going to lie, there are moments of magic. Light headed, dizzy days where nothing else matters. It's just Ana and me. Holding hands as we shrink into the shadows. We are invincible. My pain is her pleasure. These moments are far and few in between. 

Most days are hell. My every emotion is dictated by the fluctuations on the scale. There will never be a day when I don't weigh myself. There will never be a day when I don't worry and stress and obsess. There will never be a moment when the thought of intake vs. output is not lurking somewhere in my mind. My worth has a negative correlation with the number of calories that pass my lips. She's always counting. Tallying the calories on my thighs and hips. She does not forgive,and she will never forget. If I'm losing, then I'm gaining. Even then, it's never enough. I'm never enough. I'm too much.She is a ruthless master, and she rules with an Iron Fist.  My whole reality is monopolized by a figment of my imagination... and I love it. 

I fear this will never change.

Fucking Chocolate

I broke down last night. Chocolate and crackers and sour candy. Fuck, I refuse to weight myself today. I will compensate by fasting, and we will go from there.  Just lots of water and coffee for me. I'll update you tomorrow, hopefully with a small happy number,

It"s so Lonely "Round the Fields of Athenry

As I was walking to my car after class, I realized something. I do not wish to be seen as sick, ever. As I get closer to the danger zone, I realize the sudden responsibility I am now left with.  If I am going to take my body to an "unhealthy" weight, I must keep my body as healthy as possible, and maintain a healthy appearance. This means strong healthy nails, plenty of fresh water, multivitamins daily, fresh moisturized skin, shiny healthy hair, concealed blemishes and eye circles and putting effort into my daily outfits. I don't ever want anyone questioning my health status or spreading rumors about my weight loss.

On another note, I messed up a bit last night. I had some chips and chocolate after practice. Ugh 

why why why why why why why why why why why why why

As a result, my weight stayed at 133.4.  At least it didn't go up :) I really feel like 133 is the weight whee my body wants to remain. Anything under that is a battle, so, if my weight does not drop again by Thursday morning, I will have to start changing things up.  Also, I may not be able to avoid dinner tonight, so I'll have to be very very careful with how much I actually have to consume. 

And now, for your entertainment, a list of 10 things that really annoy me for no real reason.

1. The sound of fans humming in the background

2. Whiny children

3. Parents that allow their children to eat unhealthily

4.  The word "nonchalant"

5. The whole " real woman" movement, Seriously?

6. My hair blowing in my face

7. Rednecks, white trash, etc.

8. People who chew with their mouths open

9. Exercise of any form without a sport bra

10. Raisins  

Surprise!!

133.4 this morning. Woot :D

Just Checking

It's about 11:00 PM here, which makes the next few hours very dangerous. A snacking (then scarfing) urge could strike at any time. I need to stay strong. I weighed myself so I could see what I am fighting so hard for. 134.8 flashes on the screen. What will I weigh upon waking!? I broke the upper 130s, and I'm officially carving away at the lower 130s! Next stop 120s! Cutting out dinner has been the best decision I've made in a very long time.  Why does being empty feel so good?

Cupcakes and Vitamins

Just a quick update before I head to work. First  of all, I am very proud of myself right now :) I made 2 batches of cupcakes for my friends b-day. They turned out perfectly with pink frosting and black and white polka dot wrappers. So cute, and tempting... There were 6 left over that would not fit in the box.  My boyfriend ate three. I ate zero!! Ha! 

I'm so proud of my will power lately. I woke up with the scale wavering between 134.8 and 135!! Finally.

 My breakfast today: Earl grey tea, vitamins, and a perfect little pink cupcake.  :D I'll post more after work. Laters <3

Inching Along

135.2! I'm so freaking close. It willl be a huge victory when I reach the lower 130's , then the 120's. Ahhh! :) I'm down 4.8lbs just from skipping dinner. I think I'm onto something <3

In an Ideal World

Isn't it crazy, the little bubble called life that we create for ourselves? We put up all sorts of protective walls around ourselves, tack up a big list of rules and regulations about what we are allowed to think say and do. Here we sit upon our little throne peering over castle walls, watching for invading armies. If someone tries to break through our walls, we build them higher and stronger. If we let someone into our castle kingdom, and they infringe upon our royal decree, well then. Off with their heads! 

In the end, we find out the real enemy has been inside the walls since day one. She lives in the mirror. We will do our best to make her disappear. Justice be damned if we break our own laws.  The body must pay for the transgressions of the soul. We will attempt to crucify ourselves in a myriad of ways, only to find that the enemy will rise again. 

Born from the ashes of failure, we dust ourselves off and rise again, only to burn ourselves to the ground in the night. Day in, day out, we are trapped in this cycle of self destruction, only to find that the enemy can not be destroyed from the outside. Victory must come from within. 

How do we confront her? She does not react. She gazes back with her knowing smile. Cheek bones, clavicles, ribs, hipbones jutting against tight perfect skin. Feet together, thighs apart. What's her secret? 

Only one way to find out. 

  

She screams back at us in our own voice, making light of our suffering. Born of whispers, secrets, and deception, she is perfection.  Dressed in black and smelling of Chanel No.5, she coolly stares back, challenging me. How can I defeat this disjointed fragment of my soul? She is everything I long to be, yet I fear her. The only way to get rid of her is to join forces, and become one.  Teach me your secrets. 

I reach out to touch her upheld hand and she tilts her head to the side. In a flash, she gives a quick wink, grabs my hand and pulls me in. 

I am through the looking glass.

Damn Right!

I went from 138 to 135.8 in a day. I did nothing out of the ordinary other than not eating after 5PM. I feel so confident and great this morning :) Down 2.2lbs in one day!!! 

I know that a lot of it is water weight, blah blah blah, but I don't care. I love it! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I hope to continue losing  at least .5 lbs per day for the next 2 weeks. Then, I will adjust.  There's no stopping me now! Sorry, I have to run, but I will post more later.  

:) Laters

A Step Further

I've decided that dinner does not fit into my life. The only night that I don't get home past 9:30 is Sunday. I really should not be eating that late and I usually break down and binge at night anyway. For now, just breakfast and lunch.  There really is no reason to eat before going to bed. 

I mean, what do you need energy for so late in the day? 

Any opinions on this? 

Let me know :)

The Final Beginning

Classes start today at university. My first class i s at 8:45 and it takes me about 20 min to get to school, so I leave 30min before class to get there safely. That means I need to leae around 8:15 in  order to get thre, right?  So what do I do? I think to myself last night,  " Oh class starts at 8:15, so I need to leave around 7:45!" That means waking up at 6:45 and going back to sleep a little longer, waking up, panicking, rushing around to get ready, only to look at my schedule before leaving and discovering my mistake.  So now I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, wondering what to do. 

Anyway, a new school year a new beginning, right? Here's my eating plan for the week, then I'll reevaluate. 

Breakfast= weight control oatmeal (160) or and eggwhite omelet (150)

Lunch= Fruit (100) or Salad (100) + a protein (150)

Dinner= Protein Smoothie (200)

Total= At most 610

I'm going to really focus on protein and cut out stupid fucking carbs. I"m still hating my thighs. Fall begins September 22, in 12 days. I will lose 6 lbs by then. Skinny thinghs, just in time for leggings and sweaters. Also, I'm going to start up my ab, butt, and thigh workouts again. Trust me, I need it.

Now that school has started agin, I will be posting much more frequently.  Baby, I"m back :)

Desperate Need

So, today I've had one strawberry, a mouthful of bread, 6 pringles, and the cheese off of a slice of pizza. Yesterday, I had nothing. My fucking weight will not drop. Want to hear a disgusting little fun fact? My body has ballooned to near 138 lbs. How the hell am i gaining weight? I hate my fucking body right now. I can see a difference in my legs and stomach.  Fuck this! Seriously. Just plain fuck. What the hell did I do? I'll tell you what did it ( In diagram form :p) Guilt + stress ---> Late nights + smoking+ pigging out = gaining about 10 lbs over the last 2 months. How could I let this happen? I am such a failure. I need to change my ways immediately.

Another issue. My boyfriend is about to be home, and he will want dinner, I am making a very light french onion soup from scratch ( about 50 cal per cup, at most) and then  Roast beef sandwiches with swiss cheese. If I just have soup, I should be ok. I wonder if the bf will question me..

Coincidentally, I have been a raw nerve the past few weeks. I feel like I've just been holding back this wave of stress and emotion, and the dam finally broke a couple days ago. I was playing tennis with my bf thursday morning, and I felt so slow and heavy. I could feel my thighs rubbing together and my disgusting love handles overflowing. I seriously started crying and told him how disgusting and fat i feel. He told me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I think he's lying. I told him I'm going on a strict diet until I'm back down to my normal weight. He didn't seem to mind.

So, the plan is not fucking carbs and super restriction until I'm at 126. Then, I'll think about eating again.

Guilt: A Powerful Weight Loss Tool

Trust me on this one.

 My stomach is fucking tied in knots over all of this drama and stress. Ever two seconds my stomach leaps and my hands shake and I can't sleep well or concentrate. Plus side, I feel to nauseated to eat. Maybe I'll ride this out into a weekend long fast? I need it. In the words of friend recently, "I feel like a heffalump" Laters