I Can"t Change, Even if I Try...

It is alarming the number of people who contact me asking how to "become anorexic".  Maybe I romanticize the eating disorder thing a bit. Maybe my delusions and rants seem like a dream world to some of you. Let me be quite clear, it's a nightmare. 

This is how my day to day life goes. Wake up. Stand too quickly. Lightheaded, down the stairs. Care-ful-ly. Go to the bathroom. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not today. Relief. Then, I put whatever I was holding down, and strip down to my soul. Drag my self back on the scale for daily judgement. The number flashes. It better be lower than the day before. Much lower. It's never low enough. God forbid it goes up. Even a mark. This is the lowest my weight will be all day. Unless I fast... 

Get dressed. I swear my clothes shrank again. All of them. Whatever. Coffee and something light. Hope the coffee does it"s magic and cleans out my insides. If so, weigh myself again after. Compare to before weight. Get on with my day. Go to school. Take notes while planning intake amounts and projected weight loss in the borders of my notebook. Every page. Charts and graphs. Lunch is always optional. Go home.  Lift my shirt and leer at my reflection in the mirror. My abs are ok, but look at those love handles. Disgusting. Weigh myself. Account for clothing. Waste time on thinspo sites. Weigh myself before work or gymnastics. Move as much as I can. Drink copious amounts of water. Arrive home. Stare at my reflection again. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not. Use the toilet. Strip. Drag my self back on the scale for judgement. Jump in the tub and sweat out some water weight. Resist all food until bedtime. Quiet the stomach lions with more water. Weigh myself. Go to bed.Calm the racing mind. Exhaustion eventually takes over.  Nightmares.  Wake up . Room spinning...

I'm not going to lie, there are moments of magic. Light headed, dizzy days where nothing else matters. It's just Ana and me. Holding hands as we shrink into the shadows. We are invincible. My pain is her pleasure. These moments are far and few in between. 

Most days are hell. My every emotion is dictated by the fluctuations on the scale. There will never be a day when I don't weigh myself. There will never be a day when I don't worry and stress and obsess. There will never be a moment when the thought of intake vs. output is not lurking somewhere in my mind. My worth has a negative correlation with the number of calories that pass my lips. She's always counting. Tallying the calories on my thighs and hips. She does not forgive,and she will never forget. If I'm losing, then I'm gaining. Even then, it's never enough. I'm never enough. I'm too much.She is a ruthless master, and she rules with an Iron Fist.  My whole reality is monopolized by a figment of my imagination... and I love it. 

I fear this will never change.