Desperate Need

So, today I've had one strawberry, a mouthful of bread, 6 pringles, and the cheese off of a slice of pizza. Yesterday, I had nothing. My fucking weight will not drop. Want to hear a disgusting little fun fact? My body has ballooned to near 138 lbs. How the hell am i gaining weight? I hate my fucking body right now. I can see a difference in my legs and stomach.  Fuck this! Seriously. Just plain fuck. What the hell did I do? I'll tell you what did it ( In diagram form :p) Guilt + stress ---> Late nights + smoking+ pigging out = gaining about 10 lbs over the last 2 months. How could I let this happen? I am such a failure. I need to change my ways immediately.

Another issue. My boyfriend is about to be home, and he will want dinner, I am making a very light french onion soup from scratch ( about 50 cal per cup, at most) and then  Roast beef sandwiches with swiss cheese. If I just have soup, I should be ok. I wonder if the bf will question me..

Coincidentally, I have been a raw nerve the past few weeks. I feel like I've just been holding back this wave of stress and emotion, and the dam finally broke a couple days ago. I was playing tennis with my bf thursday morning, and I felt so slow and heavy. I could feel my thighs rubbing together and my disgusting love handles overflowing. I seriously started crying and told him how disgusting and fat i feel. He told me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I think he's lying. I told him I'm going on a strict diet until I'm back down to my normal weight. He didn't seem to mind.

So, the plan is not fucking carbs and super restriction until I'm at 126. Then, I'll think about eating again.