Hidden Treasure

Now that I'm back at home, I decided to clean out my room a little bit. I pulled a bunch of stuff out from under my bead and I was throwing things away left and right. Then, I came across some old thinspo pictures. I almost thew them away, but after glancing at myself in the mirror, I put the pictures up on my dresser to keep me strong through the holidays. Stay strong :)

Back at Home

Out of school for winter break. 39 days of temptation.Ugh this is going to be so difficult. The weight is dropping so slowly.

BRRRRRRRRRRR!

It's so freaking cold outside that it hurts to walk to class. With the windchill it's 10 degrees!! I really need to get a heavier coat.

Friday half fast

Visiting the family tonight and they want to go out to dinner so it's a fast all day until tonight around 6:30 day.
I hope that they don't try to force me to eat because that gets so annoying and frustrating. They need to just let me be.

Self Portrait

Age: 18
Height: 5’8”.
Weight: 138?.
Dress Size: 6? I'm not sure

Highest Weight: 144
Lowest Weight: 127
Goal Weight: 111

Favorite Diet Food: celery and flavored water

Favorite Binge Food: lasagna and mashed potatoes

Favorite Exercise:gymnastics and soccer

Favorite Thinspo: other gymnasts

Where Do You Slip Up? eating with family

Does Anyone Know? no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? I try to stay under 900
What Do You Think When You Look In The Mirror? Lazy procrastinator

Are You In A Relationship? yes

Are You Depressed?  no.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no.

Ever Been To A Psychologist? no

I AM: 
[ ] anorexic
[ x] ednos 
[ ] bulimic 
[ ] living off diet pills 
[ x] hungry 
[ ] thirsty 
[ x] drinking something 
[ ] Under 100lbs 
[x ] fasting/starving myself

PEOPLE: 
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 
[x] have called me fat
[x] have said I’m skinny
[x] have said I’m ugly 
[x] have said I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me 
[ ] force me to eat 
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more 
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH: 
[x] I was THIN 
[x] I had a better body 
[ ] I didn’t have to eat 
[x] I could control myself 
[ ] I was under 110lbs 
[x] I could avoid food 
[ ] I could hide what I am 
[x] I wasn’t fat 
[ ] I was pretty 
[ ] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I LOVE:
[x] feeling hungry 
[x] seeing a difference when fasting 
[x ] shaking 
[x] feeling airy 
[x] losing weight 
[x] being anorexic/bulimic 
[x] green tea 
[ ] diet pills 
[x] being able to turn down food 
[x] feeling good about myself 

APPEARANCE: 
[ ]I am shorter than 5’4
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars 
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I have/had braces 
[ ] I wear glasses 
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free 
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger 
[ ]  I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears 
[ ] I have freckles 

FAMILY:
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents
[x] I’ve run away from home 
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house 
[x] My biological parents are together 
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old 
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I’ve had children 
[ ] I’ve lost a child  
[ ] I can’t have children

RELATIONSHIPS: 
[ ] I’m single 
[ x] I’m in a relationship
[ ] I’m engaged 
[ ] I’m married
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date 
[x] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper
[ x] I miss someone right now 
[x] I have a fear of abandonment 
[ x] I’ve cheated in a relationship 
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced 
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did 
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship
[x] I’ve been ‘the other woman’

SEXUALITY: 
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher 
[x] I am a cuddler
[x] I’ve kissed in the rain
[ ] I’ve hugged a stranger 
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

BAD TIMES: 
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol
[ x] I regularly drink
[ ] I can’t swallow pills
[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[ ] I shut others out when I’m upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it 
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm
[ ] I’ve woken up crying 
[x] I’ve lost weight 
[x] I’ve gained weight 
[x] My weight holds me back 
[x] Weight consumes me 
[ ] I’m at my thinnest 
[ ] I’m at my biggest 
[ ] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 
[ ] My weight affects my mood 
[ ] I weigh myself daily 
[ ] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 
[ ] I thrive on compliments 
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size 
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry 
[ ] I get depressed after I eat 
[x] I’ve skipped a meal 
[x] I’ve thrown food away 
[x] I’ve spit food out 
[x] I’ve fasted 
[x] I’ve taken diet pills 
[ ] I’ve used laxatives 
[x] I’ve purged 
[ x] I exercise 
[x] I exercise so I can eat 
[ x] I work out secretly 
[ x] I work out daily  
[ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion 

I’ve done: 
[x] Weed 
[x] Cigarettes 
[x] Alcohol 
[x] Diet pills 
[x] Pain killers 
[ ] Sleeping pills
[ ] Anti-depressants 
[ ] Ecstasy 
[ ] LSD 
[ ] Mushrooms 
[ ] Speed 
[ ] Cocaine 
[ ] Other
 
HABITS:
[ x] I keep my eating habits a secret 
[x] I look at thinspo 
[x] I collect thinspo 
[x] I count calories 
[x] I’ve had negative intake days 
[ x] I avoid food 
[ ] I hate food 
[x] I love food  
[ ] I don’t want to be like this 
[x] I wish I could have more control 
[ ] Being thin is my top priority 
[ ] I am in treatment 
[x] I’m doing this for me 
[ x] I’m doing this for someone 
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

Pro ana Buddies

I need some motivation. Any pro-ana buddies out there? Comment on this if you want to be buddies.

Insomnia

Can't sleep
Won't sleep
Need rest
Need ... want food
weak
useless
fat
ugly
worthless
imperfect
me

I'm back !

It's been so long since i've posted. Weight won't drop. I've actually put some back on. I need to get ahold of myself for real and stop being such a fat ass. Today I start running to train for a 1/2 marathon in April. I'm so excited. Also, I've ordered some new leotards for gymnastics as motivation. There are 5 comming in the mail and I don't get to wear them untill I reach my 5 goal weights.135, 130, 125, 120, 115. There is one for each goal and I can't wait because I designed a really expensive one that is so beautiful but I don't get it untill I reach my final goal!!!

success

^__^    6  pound down !!!!!!!

Days 1 and 2 of cycle 2

Day one I fasted. After having to eat 800 calories on the last day, idk, i just couldn't take anymore.
Yesterday I had some fruit and some soup to take me to about 360 calories.

2-4-6-8!! days 3&4

600 and 800 calories seemed like so much. It's weird. Going back to 200 calories today is going to be very hard. I'm thinking this diet would be better if it was like 200-400-600-800-800-600-400-200 like in a cycle instead of 200-400-600-800-200-400-600-800. It would be a lot easier for some people to keep from binging on that second cycle when they have to drop back to 200 calories again

Day 2 of the 2-4-6-8 Diet

I did really well today
strawberries= 50 cal
Soup= 120 calories
and an energy drink= 200 calorie
Total = 370 calories :)

I felt a little dizzy when I woke up today but thats ok. I just need to drink more water. This gets so much easier the more I stick with it. Taking new measurements tomorrow :/ I'm nervous.

Day 1 of the 2-4-6-8 diet, 200 calories

1:53 PM I l haven't eaten anything yet. I need to walk to the store on campus to get some fruit, probably strawberries because they are so lo cal.
3:12 PM still haven't eaten yet. I walked to the store and bought some strawberries and some water melon. It's so convenient because they are already washed and the watermelon is already cut up. Also, they are sold in 1 cup containers, making portion control easy. I also bout a big bottle of smart water. I'm doing laundry now, and I think I might have some of the watermelon. All together the watermelon has 46 calories and the strawberries have and the strawberries have about 50. Only 96 calories for 2 cups of fruit!!!! :)
5:06 pm I only ate the watermelon and chewed a piece of gum. So that's 48.5 calories. I am going with some friends over to au bon pain to get some soup for dinner. There Is this really low cal mediterainina pepper soup that only has like 127 calories and it is filling.
6:53pm Good news!!! The soup only had 100 calories!
That puts me at 148.5 calories for the day!!!!!!

2-4-6-8!!

Tomorrow I am starting up on the 2-4-6-8 diet with a friend and we are having a sort of weight loss competition :) I'm going to keep it up for 8 days until my boyfriend comes back so I can show him my progress <3
OK so I am going to try to estimate my weight loss.
* 8 days on this diet = 4,000 calories
* bmr= 1,500x 8= 12,000
* daily exercise= 700 calorie minimum
700x 8= 5,600
Total burned= 17, 600
Calories burned - calories eaten= 13,600
Pounds lost= 13,600/ 3,500 calories per pound= 3.8pounds
:/ this isn't very much, but hopefully I will burn more calories through moving and exercising throughout the day.

Food Journal # 4

Breakfast=
froot loops and milk= 218 calories

Lunch=
pineapple and Greek yougurt= 268 calories
Dark chocolate= 95 calories

Total= 581 calories

Pro ana Buddies

Hey guys!!!!
I got this idea off of another website. Comment on this page with your contact information if you want to find a pro ana buddy. In your comment leave some information about yourself such as your name, age, stats, type of ED you have, and anything else about you that you want people to know. Together we can be strong <3
Much love~ Sunshine

Progress in Small Steps!

I weigh myself once a week so that I can see my progress better. I dropped from 140 to 137!! This is awesome for me. I even weighed myself after I had already eaten breakfast earlier in the day. If I can lose 3 pounds per week every week I will weigh 107 by new years! My goal was only to be at 120 by then, but this is great to see what is possible if I stay strong.

Friday fast

I get to go home for 4 days for fall break. It's going to be alot harder to keep from eating around my family. I'm fasting today untill I have to go out to eat with them tonight so these calories won't hit so hard.

Food Journal #3

Soup=170
Focaccia roll= 360!  calories= hate myself
Pastry= 300! calories
Total= 830 calories
* Today was rough. This was all at one meal. It's like i wasn't thinking at all and I just kept eating. I need to bring less money with me from now on  because now I feel like shit. Eating all of this fattening food. I'm so sickening.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calories burned:
BMR= -1499
Gymnastics=- 314
Total= - 1813
Net loss= -983

Food Journal #2

Granola bar- 110 calories
Cornflakes- 90 calories
Dinner- About 700 calories :(

Total= 900 calories
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Exercise:
walking 2 miles= - 148
Bmr= -1499 calories
Other= - 343
total=-1990
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Net calories= -1090

Surprise!

My boyfriend is leaving to go to Israel on Sunday. He is leaving for two weeks. I figure that I can lose about 5 pounds in the time he is gone. I think this should be a good surprise for him :) I know he will just love the way I look when I get back! He was so proud of me last night at gymnastics. I was doing so well and making so much progress. I felt like I was flying. It was such a good feeling. I am so excited for when he gets back.

Amazing Website!

This website is great for knowing the amount of calories you burn during the day through different activities.
http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc

Food diary #1

Breakfast=  Ramen noodles oriental 380 calories
Lunch = pineapple 78 calories
             1/2 Monster energy drink 100
Snack= cornfalkes 90 calories
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am done for the day! Total= 548 calories

Calories burned:
2 miles walking= -148 calories
Gymnastics=  -403 calories
Bmr= - 1499 calories
Tennis= -773 calories
Other= 258
 total= - 2664 calories

------------

Total net calories=  - 2224 more than  half a pound :)----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting Back Into Things

1. Figure out how many pounds you must loose to be at your ideal weight. Multiply by 3500 (how many calories that equal a pound). This is what you need to work off.

*I need to drop 20lbs

20 x 3500 = 70,000 calories!!

2. Find out what your BMR is (your Basic metabolic rate, which is how many cals your body burns per day just to live).

My BMR=1,499

3. Add your BMR with how many cals you burn each day through exercise etc, then take away how many cals you eat. Work out how many days it will take to get to your ideal weight.

4. What is your BMI?

 21.3 :/

5. Goal weigh BMI?

18.2 :)http://free-the-bfly.webs.com/youranahomework.htm

Dreaming

I know this might sound crazy, but I want people to hate me. I want to be that girl that everybody envies. I want girls to look at me, see how thin and beautiful I am, and hopefully make them want to be the same. I want a picture of me to be somebodies thinspo...

THE ONLY WAY TO SHUT THIS FAT GURL UP THAT LIVES INSIDE OF ME IS TO STARVE HER TO DEATH

Pro ana Buddies!!

Ok so I don't know about you guys but for me, this is hard. I'm looking for some pro ana buddies to chat or text with. You guys can help to suggest things for my blog too. Comment on this if you want to be a pro ana buddy.

...

my friend asked me a question the other day. We were talking about diets and such and talk went to eating disorders. She asked me, why wold you ever want to have an eating disorder. i told her, it's not that you want an eating disorder. You want perfection. You want control. You want to be thin. There is nothing wrong with this.

she asked me, why not just exercise or something?  Why do you need to have anorexia?

my response .. why not? :)  it works

LIfe

weather= beautiful
legs=fat
stomach= empty yet so full of flab
heart= heavy
head= dizzy
smile= vanished
eyes= crying
self= loathing
Ana= only true friend

Stressful

College is really gettin to me. I'm starting to feel sick and when I wake up my stomach is always killing me. Ugh. I need to get caught up with my work and get disciplined

TGIF

Another week flew by. I have work Saturday and Sunday. I'm a waitress at Applebees and I just hope i can keep myself from scarfing down a bunch of greasy calorie loaded food on my break. Wishful thinking... I need to be able to control my self.

I Need Help

I need to get my shit together. This is so hard sometimes. I want control so bad but I just keep losing it. I need to find some way to get in control. I started making my thinspo book today. Hopefully looking in it will help me to keep myself in check. If I mess up I need to get back with the program and not just let my whole day go to shit. I'm feeling pretty worthless right now...

Beautiful

One of my Favorite Thinspos!

Thinspo

Stomach Pains

This morning I woke up and went to my 8am college algebra class. I brought a bottle of water and a granola bar with me for breakfast. My stomach has been feeling a little weird lately and I'm so tired. When class was finished , I walked back to my dorm. For some reason, I went to the cafeteria and totally pigged out. Hashbrowns, eggs, sausage, fruit, biscuits and gravy ugh my stomach hurts so bad. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel so disgusting...

Another Thought

I spent the night at my boyfriends house last night. This morning, we were playing around and I was trying to hold his arms down above his head. He easially lifted them up off of the bed even thought I was putting my full weight onto them. I was like " o ya I forgot you can bench press twice my weight" I weight 130lbs His response was " imagine if you weighed 100lbs! It would be so easy to pick you up!" I said " well then I'll drop down to 100lbs just for you!" We laughed about it but that little voice came into my head again telling me what a great idea that would be. Later today we were on the phone and I was telling him how my stomach was growling. He told me to eat something. I reminded him jokingly of how i said i was going to drop down to 100lbs. He then said " forget 100lbs, how about 90lbs, or even 80?" I can't even describe to you the appeal this has. Imagine, double digits...

So it begins...

Ok, so I'm new to this whole blogging thing. and to pro ana stuff in general. I need a place to let this all out because I can't talk to anyone about this. It's my little secret :) I know I have a problem. Is it really a problem if I don't want to change. This all started with a school project where I had to write a research paper about anorexia. I was so fascinated by the subject. At first, I thought it was a huge problem, but I quickly began to see the appeal of a pro ana lifestyle. For a while, I didn't think about it much. Then, I was at gymnastics the other day, and it came into my head again. I was training with my boyfriend and something he said just set it off. I couldn't do a skill that I should be able to do. I joked saying " maybe I'm just too weak and fat to do this" His reply was " maybe you are" He was totally joking but and I know he was, but a little voice in my head said " maybe he's right..." It's been a week since that comment was made. I've been on pro ana sights every day, hoping and desriring for that control. Control over myself. Control over food. That emptiness in my stomach makes me feel whole. With each calorie cut, I win a tiny battle with myself. I think that I am slowly spiriling into an eating disorder, yet I do nothing to pull myself out. If ana knocks upon my door, I know I will let her in. I wonder where this path will take me...