So it begins...

Ok, so I'm new to this whole blogging thing. and to pro ana stuff in general. I need a place to let this all out because I can't talk to anyone about this. It's my little secret :) I know I have a problem. Is it really a problem if I don't want to change. This all started with a school project where I had to write a research paper about anorexia. I was so fascinated by the subject. At first, I thought it was a huge problem, but I quickly began to see the appeal of a pro ana lifestyle. For a while, I didn't think about it much. Then, I was at gymnastics the other day, and it came into my head again. I was training with my boyfriend and something he said just set it off. I couldn't do a skill that I should be able to do. I joked saying " maybe I'm just too weak and fat to do this" His reply was " maybe you are" He was totally joking but and I know he was, but a little voice in my head said " maybe he's right..." It's been a week since that comment was made. I've been on pro ana sights every day, hoping and desriring for that control. Control over myself. Control over food. That emptiness in my stomach makes me feel whole. With each calorie cut, I win a tiny battle with myself. I think that I am slowly spiriling into an eating disorder, yet I do nothing to pull myself out. If ana knocks upon my door, I know I will let her in. I wonder where this path will take me...