Trick or Treat?

First of all, I would just like to say thank you for all of the beautiful comments lately :) I'm not sure why, but the ones I've received in the past two weeks or so have really touched me. It's nice to know someone cares.

So I got a terrifying Halloween surprise this morning. I stepped on the scale, and it read 136.6! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry for the theatrics lol , but this just could not be possible.  I rearranged and recalibrated the scale and it read a much lower 133.4 (still disgusting, I know)  I'm just so happy that the first number wasn't true.

This morning, I got a random FB message from a girl I used to work with. She told me I should dress up as Harley Quinn from the batman movies. I asked her why, and she said , " Because you're lean, have a wicked sense of humor, and you're a gymnast!" Ok ok lol fair enough. I'm just not sure I'd be comfortable wearing that skin tight contraption in public. Maybe when I'm thinner...

Speaking of being thinner, it's getting to be that time of year. Starting tomorrow, I feel like the holiday season has commenced. So, I want to start a new challenge that runs from tomorrow until Christmas. I will post rules and such later today. That would give us 53 days to reach our goal weights. What do you all think? Does anyone want to join me in this? Happy Halloween <3

Why am I so Weird?

I think I am rather fond of suffering. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but this is not a new development. When I was little, I loved to read about WWII and famine and rationing and suffering. I wanted to live through a terrible war that caused me to suffer, but I would survive. I spent a whole summer digging holes in my back yard, because I felt like I had to struggle and work. I would write out hour by hour schedules of what I had to be doing,  I would create workout circuits in my house so i could exercise without anyone knowing what I was up to. I would eat packets of dry oatmeal, because I thought it would take up less room and take a lot longer to eat.

 In fifth grade, I convinced the other girls to diet with me. We wouldn't finish our chocolate milk at school, and we challenged each other on who could eat less of the school lunch. I remember that twice a year they would weigh and measure us at school unexpectedly. Once, in either 4th or 5th grade I remember they told us a few days before they were going to weigh us. The night before the weigh in, I played so hard on the jungle gym in my backyard so I could burn off all my weight. I remember them telling me my height and weight, and I couldn't figure out of it was good or bad, but I figured it could never be too low, so I tried dieting. 

In 3rd grade I remember my cousin telling me if you stood with your feet shoulder width apart, you should be able to fit a quarter between your thighs. Otherwise you were fat. We decided to diet and ride bikes together to lose weight. 

In 6th grade, there was a girl who seemed absolutely perfect. She was a good church girl, but so friendly, and everyone liked her. She had the most beautiful long hair and a bright shining smile. Someone told me that she would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like she needed to do sit-ups and other exercise or she couldn't go back to sleep. I always wanted to ask her why she did it, but I've never asked.

Even to this day, I feel like I need to suffer and never have enough. I want to live day to day not knowing if I'm going to be able to eat. Constantly pushing my body to it's limit. I want to feel weak and empty.  I want to be the ragged , scratched up, skinny survivor with her head held high, and pride intact. This is what excites me, and I couldn't ever explain why.

The Reasons I Fasted Today

Pizza
Bread
Brownies
Fries
Chicken wings
Cheese
Dinner
Past two nights

You Can't Buy Love Cause it's Overpriced

I think the big question that's lurking in all of our minds is this: What the hell am I supposed to be doing? Seriously, is there a person out there that doesn't question who they are and the choices they make every single day? Or is this just me?  What keeps us from looking deep inside to our core and finding what we are made to do in this lifetime? 

Fear.

Absolutely 100% of everything that holds me back is fear. Fear of trying and failing. Who wants to reach for the stars when you know at any second someone could pull the ladder out from under you? The fall is terrifying, and when you crash and shatter into a million pieces, who is going to be there to sort out the pieces and glue you back together? 

It's far safer to just stay holed up in my fort of delusion.  The walls are made of books, and the mundane evils of the world cannot reach me here. Every night, the starlight grows brighter, reaching out to me, beckoning. I try to touch them, reaching through my window, but they are beyond my touch. If only I could embark on some great adventure, and capture some starlight in a jar. There is magic in the stars, I can feel it. I stand on the threshold, jar in hand.  I am paralyzed by fear. When I was dropped on this strange planet, my map was all wrong. My compass needle spins interminably. 

If only there was someone to show me the way.

Leap of Faith

I realized that if I don't get going with all of my goals and aspirations, I'll never get anything accomplished.  The first crazy step I took was to submit photos to 3 modeling agencies, and hope for an interview.  It's been 2 days now, and the sites said if they have any interest, they will contact me within two weeks. If I get no response, I'll lose more weight and submit new pic sometime after the new year. Fingers Crossed XX

Also, I'm working hard to eliminate all extras in my life. I've already given away 7 bags of clothing and two bags of shoes. Some of it was my boyfriends stuff, but still. That's a lot of extra crap for 2 people to own. I'm almost completely done editing my wardrobe, I just need to give away a few more things.  I need to stop hoarding notebooks and books. If I have no use for them, they must be eliminated. Just like these extra pounds... I've been maintaining around 131 lbs without much effort. Time to work hard again and stop slacking. I've been way too lazy as of late.

The Sun Also Rises

Yesterday, I was walking around the house in my bra and undies and my boyfriend was sitting on the couch looking at me. I asked him what he would do if I was this skinny, and I sucked my stomach in as far as I could. My ribs were all showing, there were dents under my back ribs, and my hipbones were jutting out. He stared an me rather intensely and said, ' I would still love you, but I'd tell you to eat a little more."  Of course, in my head, I heard, " Go for it, baby! I'll tell you when you get too skinny, and that's when you should stop." Challenge accepted!

Wow, I'm delusional. That's ok though. We're all a little mad here. Am I right?

Any whoooo... So I noticed that my boyfriend hasn't really been eating the same as he used to. I asked why, and he said he wan'ts to get his weight down to 169 again ( He's at 174) Apparently, it makes him " stronger for gymnastics." Well, it seems we might have a new passenger on the crazy train. I'm not sure I could handle that. Skinny guys are not my thing. I love muscles. He has like zero fat on his body, so I don't really think he'd be able to lose much without losing strength. At least we're on the same page for a while.

I Deserve Nice Things, Damnit!

Following the suggestion of Fat Piggy, I've decided to knit myself a wonderful, beautiful infinity scarf. The wool I have is a beautiful variegated steel grey and white. After I finish this project, I'm going to start on a massive crochet project. Confession, I have a huge stash of yarn in all different colors and thicknesses. I don't know why, but I have a craft supply obsession. I stock up on yarn, material, thread, fancy paper, glitter, paint, etc. but I never seem to get around to using the supplies. My goal is to knit a bunch of squares and rectangles and patchwork them all into a giant blanket. It will be very distracting, and will keep the hands busy and away from the food. Just gotta stay empty <3

I Didn't Mean It. Please Help Me

I have no idea what I want anymore. I need a major distraction. What do you all do to distract yourselves for long periods of time. What can I do to avoid food and pain? Please suggest any non thinspo activities that help keep you sane <3 Sunshine

Losing it All

I want my life back. I'm tired of all of the pain I cause to myself and others. Yes, being thin is a thrill, but life is a lot more important than that. There is so much more out there. Go find it. Goodbye <3

Every Thorn Has Its Rose

My lady time will be over tomorrow, so I'll eat very very light tomorrow, then begin weighing again on Friday morning. I'm getting it all together, one step at a time. Soon, I'll be able to rest in the crescent of the moon. Just gotta keep reaching for those stars.

If Only, If Only, the Woodpecker Sighs...

I'm feeling so content lately. Things have calmed down over here, and the waves which once crashed around me have subsided into gentle ripples. I've been thinking a lot about what I want in life. What are the essentials for my happiness? If I was given access to anything I want in the world, what would I take to build my paradise? 

I would live in a beautiful white house, preferably by the sea and mountains. The house would be very rustic and traditional. Lace curtains in the windows. Window boxes full of flowers. A little walkout balcony from the lofted master bedroom with French doors. There would be a white picket fence and a little kitchen garden. Maybe even a little green house. I would also need a hammock under a big tree. 

My house would be simple on the inside. A little kitchen and a big wooden table to dine around with friends and family. A huge free standing bathtub to soak in. A big stone fireplace. There might be one TV in the living room, but it will not be the focal point. It might be brought out for special occasions, but it will be stored in a cabinet where it can be put out of sight. 

My pantry would be stocked only with the freshest ingredients. No fake foods allowed. Meals cooked with love from scratch. I'd have a special little cabinet stocked with fine chocolates and tea. Never to be binged upon, but enjoyed fully in moderation.

 There would be a little reading nook by the window overlooking the sea. A floor to ceiling bookshelf. I would have a little wardrobe with only the most beautiful essential items of clothing. Laundry would dry on the line and smell of sunshine. I would have a bicycle with a basket, and town would be a short ride away. No need for a car. 

I would earn a living writing and illustrating my novels. My loving husband and beautiful children by my side.  I would paint and draw and swim in the sea. I would spend my days wandering and exploring and absorbing the world around me.  A simple wholesome life full of wonder and happiness. 

Keeping Myself Sane

I weighed in this morning at 130.8 :) My period is due tomorrow, so I'm not going to weigh myself again until it's over. I tend to bloat up and hold onto water weight during my period, so I'm going to avoid the feeling of , oh no i must have fucked up, so fuck it all, I'm going to pig out. following the advice of Fat Piggy @ (Size) Zero Intentions I'm going to be kind to myself, and save myself the mindless heart ache.  If it starts tomorrow, I will weigh in again on Tuesday morning. Hopefully I'll be somewhere in the 128 range. I'd really like that. The scale is off limits until then.

Manorexia

It's interesting how your habits can rub off on other people. I do about 98% of the shopping and cooking around here. Ever since I started cooking as clean and healthy as I can I've seen a drastic drop in my weight. This morning I weighed 131.2! I've dropped almost 9 lbs in about a week :) Here's the real kicker though. My boyfriend's weight is usually between 176-180 lbs. He weighed himself this morning and started shouting for me to come over and look at the scale. He weighs 168.8! So he's dropped at least 7.2 lbs from the clean eating. I find that hilarious. He was so excited. He is very competitive with his older brother, especially with fitness/gymnastics stuff. They are the same height, but his brother is usually leaner and about 10 lbs lighter because he does a lot more cardio. His brother is obsessed with cycling. I could tell that he really liked being lighter, even if he won't admit it.

 " See! I told you not to worry about your weight. See how much mine fluctuated this week? That's water weight for you!" 

Sure, :) that's what's been going on. Or, maybe it's because we cut out all of the junk and have been eating 1000 or less calories each day while maintaining our high level of activity. I'll let you keep thinking it's just water weight. ;)

 I haven't told him about my weight loss, and I don't really plan on it. I don't want any suspicion to arise  and I don't want to stop eating clean. My ribs are starting to show more on the sides, and the dents are deeper on the front. My cheek bones are starting to pop again, and the thighs are separating. I just wish my body wasn't so backed up. I read that this could happen sometimes when you switch to clean eating. I really don't want to depend on laxis.

Exhaustion

I pushed myself so hard at practice today. My body is shattered. I need water and then bed. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow. Today I weighed 132.2!! :) After eating all day , I weigh the same. Looking forward to more losses tomorrow <3