Orthorexia

Super dooper exciting news!!! My boyfriend has had enough of my belly aching about how horrible junk food makes me feel. So you know what we did? We made the house binge proof :) All the junky food is pretty much gone. The fridge and pantry are filled with amazing, good for me things like strawberries, apples, broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, asparagus, all natural soy milk, natural chicken breasts, almonds, quinoa, and flax seeds to name a few things. :D We are avoiding sugar, white flour, preservatives, salt, and any chemical filled processed things. We are eating wonderful real fresh foods. My weight had ballooned almost up to 140 lbs Thursday morning. Guess what I weighed this morning?134.2! HA I'm very excited about all of this. Really, this is something I can sustain. I'm still not eating after 5 though :) 

Gotta keep dropping those lbs!

Never,Never, Never Give Up

Through the darkest days,
and the longest nights,
we stand strong.

From rivers of tears,
and the forest of fear,
we emerge victorious.

Arms wide open,
swords undrawn,
unguarded, we run into battle.

Battered and bruised,
torn and bleeding,
we fight a perpetual war.

The shadows seem near,
but fight on dear sister,
for this too shall pass.

Vegan Ventures

 The things that they do to poor little animals. I'm really thinking of going vegan. Isn't this shit kick ass? Vegan love and thinspo esque <3 I'd love to hear advice & opinions from any vegetarians or vegans out there :)

Just the Essentials

I Can"t Change, Even if I Try...

It is alarming the number of people who contact me asking how to "become anorexic".  Maybe I romanticize the eating disorder thing a bit. Maybe my delusions and rants seem like a dream world to some of you. Let me be quite clear, it's a nightmare. 

This is how my day to day life goes. Wake up. Stand too quickly. Lightheaded, down the stairs. Care-ful-ly. Go to the bathroom. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not today. Relief. Then, I put whatever I was holding down, and strip down to my soul. Drag my self back on the scale for daily judgement. The number flashes. It better be lower than the day before. Much lower. It's never low enough. God forbid it goes up. Even a mark. This is the lowest my weight will be all day. Unless I fast... 

Get dressed. I swear my clothes shrank again. All of them. Whatever. Coffee and something light. Hope the coffee does it"s magic and cleans out my insides. If so, weigh myself again after. Compare to before weight. Get on with my day. Go to school. Take notes while planning intake amounts and projected weight loss in the borders of my notebook. Every page. Charts and graphs. Lunch is always optional. Go home.  Lift my shirt and leer at my reflection in the mirror. My abs are ok, but look at those love handles. Disgusting. Weigh myself. Account for clothing. Waste time on thinspo sites. Weigh myself before work or gymnastics. Move as much as I can. Drink copious amounts of water. Arrive home. Stare at my reflection again. Weigh myself fully clothed and holding something heavy so the scale will show me how heavy I am not. Use the toilet. Strip. Drag my self back on the scale for judgement. Jump in the tub and sweat out some water weight. Resist all food until bedtime. Quiet the stomach lions with more water. Weigh myself. Go to bed.Calm the racing mind. Exhaustion eventually takes over.  Nightmares.  Wake up . Room spinning...

I'm not going to lie, there are moments of magic. Light headed, dizzy days where nothing else matters. It's just Ana and me. Holding hands as we shrink into the shadows. We are invincible. My pain is her pleasure. These moments are far and few in between. 

Most days are hell. My every emotion is dictated by the fluctuations on the scale. There will never be a day when I don't weigh myself. There will never be a day when I don't worry and stress and obsess. There will never be a moment when the thought of intake vs. output is not lurking somewhere in my mind. My worth has a negative correlation with the number of calories that pass my lips. She's always counting. Tallying the calories on my thighs and hips. She does not forgive,and she will never forget. If I'm losing, then I'm gaining. Even then, it's never enough. I'm never enough. I'm too much.She is a ruthless master, and she rules with an Iron Fist.  My whole reality is monopolized by a figment of my imagination... and I love it. 

I fear this will never change.

Fucking Chocolate

I broke down last night. Chocolate and crackers and sour candy. Fuck, I refuse to weight myself today. I will compensate by fasting, and we will go from there.  Just lots of water and coffee for me. I'll update you tomorrow, hopefully with a small happy number,

It"s so Lonely "Round the Fields of Athenry

As I was walking to my car after class, I realized something. I do not wish to be seen as sick, ever. As I get closer to the danger zone, I realize the sudden responsibility I am now left with.  If I am going to take my body to an "unhealthy" weight, I must keep my body as healthy as possible, and maintain a healthy appearance. This means strong healthy nails, plenty of fresh water, multivitamins daily, fresh moisturized skin, shiny healthy hair, concealed blemishes and eye circles and putting effort into my daily outfits. I don't ever want anyone questioning my health status or spreading rumors about my weight loss.

On another note, I messed up a bit last night. I had some chips and chocolate after practice. Ugh 

why why why why why why why why why why why why why

As a result, my weight stayed at 133.4.  At least it didn't go up :) I really feel like 133 is the weight whee my body wants to remain. Anything under that is a battle, so, if my weight does not drop again by Thursday morning, I will have to start changing things up.  Also, I may not be able to avoid dinner tonight, so I'll have to be very very careful with how much I actually have to consume. 

And now, for your entertainment, a list of 10 things that really annoy me for no real reason.

1. The sound of fans humming in the background

2. Whiny children

3. Parents that allow their children to eat unhealthily

4.  The word "nonchalant"

5. The whole " real woman" movement, Seriously?

6. My hair blowing in my face

7. Rednecks, white trash, etc.

8. People who chew with their mouths open

9. Exercise of any form without a sport bra

10. Raisins