Monday, June 20, 2011

Rehab Is For Quitters

So I have a confession to make. When I listed my weight for the competition, I said it was 135 at the beginning and really it was more like 125. I lied about my weight because what I saw in the mirror was sooooooo much bigger than that. My beginning BMI was actually 19.0 not 20.5. I kept losing weight pretty quickly and by week 4, I was down 6 pounds. This wasn't good enough for me, so I stopped eating anything but ice cubes and grapes, taking in about 150 cal each day and still going to 3 hours of gymnastics 5 days each week and working out like crazy any time I wasn't at the gym. I dropped another 5 pounds. I came home from school and my parents freaked out big time. I weighed 114lbs with a BMI of 17.3 They took away my laptop and I was basically under house arrest until I put on 10lbs. I promised to put weight on and not workout so much. I told my parents I lost all of the weight because of stress at school. They believed me. I kept lying. I started purging after meals, worked out at night when they all thought I was sleeping, I would say I was walking the dog while really I would pick her up and run while I carried her in my arms lol. She's a tiny dog. I would go out in our pool and swim as many laps as I could until I thought I was going to die. I lost another 7 pounds in 8 days. I was down to 107 with a BMI of  116.3 My parents had enough. They told me I needed help. I needed to go to an eating disorder clinic. My mom is a doctor so she went all medical analysis on me. They guilted me so bad that I sad yes. I was sent away for 30 days to Castlewood Eating Disorder Clinic and we talked about my problems, stopped working out, and fattened me up. Once I put on 16 pounds and kept it there, they told me I could go home, and they gave me a bunch of papers and books and doctors numbers and every piece of advice they could cram down my throat. ugh As soon as I got home I started packing up my things and I moved out the next day. I am currently living with my wonderful boyfriend who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. Honestly, being so thin made me feel good, and I really don't care what other people think about my weight. I'm back and more determined than ever to lose the weight. Today marks the first day of my successful comeback. I will be beautiful!


  1. you know rehab sounds pretty pointless they way you describe it. they just fatten you up and set you free. that isn't really helpful, seems like it would only strengthen your resolve. anyway, whatever makes you happy.

  2. Oh wow, that's really intense. No wonder you were barely posting. Please stay safe. I know a bunch of us would love to lose that kind of weight but don't take it too far. You can definitely get back to that weight but not as drastically and unsafe as before. I think we all want you to be happy, and also healthy as well. ♥

  3. it's crazy because even though my weight was low, I felt like I was in great shape and had tons of energy. I know a lot of people might not approve of what I am doing but if I felt my health deteriorating or I felt bad I would get real help and get better. Honestly, rehab just kinda made me feel like they didn't know what they were talking about because they tried to blame my ED on so many other things when in all honesty, I have ana because of me, not because of anybody or anything else. I'm happy being thin, and I will stay healthy as I get back down to a comfortable weight for me :) Thank you all for your support