Inching Along

135.2! I'm so freaking close. It willl be a huge victory when I reach the lower 130's , then the 120's. Ahhh! :) I'm down 4.8lbs just from skipping dinner. I think I'm onto something <3

In an Ideal World

Isn't it crazy, the little bubble called life that we create for ourselves? We put up all sorts of protective walls around ourselves, tack up a big list of rules and regulations about what we are allowed to think say and do. Here we sit upon our little throne peering over castle walls, watching for invading armies. If someone tries to break through our walls, we build them higher and stronger. If we let someone into our castle kingdom, and they infringe upon our royal decree, well then. Off with their heads! 

In the end, we find out the real enemy has been inside the walls since day one. She lives in the mirror. We will do our best to make her disappear. Justice be damned if we break our own laws.  The body must pay for the transgressions of the soul. We will attempt to crucify ourselves in a myriad of ways, only to find that the enemy will rise again. 

Born from the ashes of failure, we dust ourselves off and rise again, only to burn ourselves to the ground in the night. Day in, day out, we are trapped in this cycle of self destruction, only to find that the enemy can not be destroyed from the outside. Victory must come from within. 

How do we confront her? She does not react. She gazes back with her knowing smile. Cheek bones, clavicles, ribs, hipbones jutting against tight perfect skin. Feet together, thighs apart. What's her secret? 

Only one way to find out. 

  

She screams back at us in our own voice, making light of our suffering. Born of whispers, secrets, and deception, she is perfection.  Dressed in black and smelling of Chanel No.5, she coolly stares back, challenging me. How can I defeat this disjointed fragment of my soul? She is everything I long to be, yet I fear her. The only way to get rid of her is to join forces, and become one.  Teach me your secrets. 

I reach out to touch her upheld hand and she tilts her head to the side. In a flash, she gives a quick wink, grabs my hand and pulls me in. 

I am through the looking glass.

Damn Right!

I went from 138 to 135.8 in a day. I did nothing out of the ordinary other than not eating after 5PM. I feel so confident and great this morning :) Down 2.2lbs in one day!!! 

I know that a lot of it is water weight, blah blah blah, but I don't care. I love it! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I hope to continue losing  at least .5 lbs per day for the next 2 weeks. Then, I will adjust.  There's no stopping me now! Sorry, I have to run, but I will post more later.  

:) Laters

A Step Further

I've decided that dinner does not fit into my life. The only night that I don't get home past 9:30 is Sunday. I really should not be eating that late and I usually break down and binge at night anyway. For now, just breakfast and lunch.  There really is no reason to eat before going to bed. 

I mean, what do you need energy for so late in the day? 

Any opinions on this? 

Let me know :)

The Final Beginning

Classes start today at university. My first class i s at 8:45 and it takes me about 20 min to get to school, so I leave 30min before class to get there safely. That means I need to leae around 8:15 in  order to get thre, right?  So what do I do? I think to myself last night,  " Oh class starts at 8:15, so I need to leave around 7:45!" That means waking up at 6:45 and going back to sleep a little longer, waking up, panicking, rushing around to get ready, only to look at my schedule before leaving and discovering my mistake.  So now I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, wondering what to do. 

Anyway, a new school year a new beginning, right? Here's my eating plan for the week, then I'll reevaluate. 

Breakfast= weight control oatmeal (160) or and eggwhite omelet (150)

Lunch= Fruit (100) or Salad (100) + a protein (150)

Dinner= Protein Smoothie (200)

Total= At most 610

I'm going to really focus on protein and cut out stupid fucking carbs. I"m still hating my thighs. Fall begins September 22, in 12 days. I will lose 6 lbs by then. Skinny thinghs, just in time for leggings and sweaters. Also, I'm going to start up my ab, butt, and thigh workouts again. Trust me, I need it.

Now that school has started agin, I will be posting much more frequently.  Baby, I"m back :)

Desperate Need

So, today I've had one strawberry, a mouthful of bread, 6 pringles, and the cheese off of a slice of pizza. Yesterday, I had nothing. My fucking weight will not drop. Want to hear a disgusting little fun fact? My body has ballooned to near 138 lbs. How the hell am i gaining weight? I hate my fucking body right now. I can see a difference in my legs and stomach.  Fuck this! Seriously. Just plain fuck. What the hell did I do? I'll tell you what did it ( In diagram form :p) Guilt + stress ---> Late nights + smoking+ pigging out = gaining about 10 lbs over the last 2 months. How could I let this happen? I am such a failure. I need to change my ways immediately.

Another issue. My boyfriend is about to be home, and he will want dinner, I am making a very light french onion soup from scratch ( about 50 cal per cup, at most) and then  Roast beef sandwiches with swiss cheese. If I just have soup, I should be ok. I wonder if the bf will question me..

Coincidentally, I have been a raw nerve the past few weeks. I feel like I've just been holding back this wave of stress and emotion, and the dam finally broke a couple days ago. I was playing tennis with my bf thursday morning, and I felt so slow and heavy. I could feel my thighs rubbing together and my disgusting love handles overflowing. I seriously started crying and told him how disgusting and fat i feel. He told me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I think he's lying. I told him I'm going on a strict diet until I'm back down to my normal weight. He didn't seem to mind.

So, the plan is not fucking carbs and super restriction until I'm at 126. Then, I'll think about eating again.

Guilt: A Powerful Weight Loss Tool

Trust me on this one.

 My stomach is fucking tied in knots over all of this drama and stress. Ever two seconds my stomach leaps and my hands shake and I can't sleep well or concentrate. Plus side, I feel to nauseated to eat. Maybe I'll ride this out into a weekend long fast? I need it. In the words of friend recently, "I feel like a heffalump" Laters