How Things Have Changed

I just realized that I missed my 2 year anniversary on blogger! September 28th, 2010 I started my blog and my topsy turvey journey down the rabbit hole.Below  is my first ever post on Blogger . It's funny, because on my one year anniversary last year I reposted this as well, but with this comment afterwards:I think it's funny how much my mindset has changed about this whole thing in a year. Ana means so much more now and is just on a whole different level than last year. I'm finally getting my head together and I love this feeling. I hope to still be around on this blog next year :)  Well, I'm still here, and still going strong. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do at all if I wasn't restricting and fasting and tracking and weighing and hoping and failing and restarting and losing. I have decided that I will show no mercy from now until I get to my goal weight. If I binge ( Which I will not!) I will make it come back out and I will fast the whole next day. Today is a turning point. The beginning of the rest of my life.  Hipbones,abs,collarbones,abs and thigh gap. Year three is where it begins.                                  ~~~9/28/2010                So it begins...

Ok, so I'm new to this whole blogging thing. and to pro ana stuff in general. I need a place to let this all out because I can't talk to anyone about this. It's my little secret :) I know I have a problem. Is it really a problem if I don't want to change. This all started with a school project where I had to write a research paper about anorexia. I was so fascinated by the subject. At first, I thought it was a huge problem, but I quickly began to see the appeal of a pro ana lifestyle. For a while, I didn't think about it much. Then, I was at gymnastics the other day, and it came into my head again. I was training with my boyfriend and something he said just set it off. I couldn't do a skill that I should be able to do. I joked saying " maybe I'm just too weak and fat to do this" His reply was " maybe you are" He was totally joking but and I know he was, but a little voice in my head said " maybe he's right..." It's been a week since that comment was made. I've been on pro ana sights every day, hoping and desriring for that control. Control over myself. Control over food. That emptiness in my stomach makes me feel whole. With each calorie cut, I win a tiny battle with myself. I think that I am slowly spiriling into an eating disorder, yet I do nothing to pull myself out. If ana knocks upon my door, I know I will let her in. I wonder where this path will take me...                  

It's Time

Sorry I haven't been posting consistently for a while. I just got done with midterms week, and I'm so glad it's behind me :) I think I did pretty well. I've decided that it's time to try something out that I've been thinking of for a while. I love animals so much, and seeing them hurt or suffering just breaks my heart. Starting today, I'm going vegetarian, maybe even eventually vegan, but we'll take this one step at a time for now. I'm gonna try it out for a week, see how it goes, and then go from there. Any tips, advice, pros/cons, recipes? I know a lot of my readers are vegetarian/vegan, and I'd love to hear from you. On another note, I've been stuck at 130 all week. I think it's almost that time of the month, so that may be to blame :/ I really want to try out the sacred heart diet but vegetarian style. Does anyone have experience with this diet? Sorry I'm so full of questions today. <3 Sunshine

Another Day of Selective Concentration

You say we're sick, we won't see it. You say we're hurting ourselves, don't we deserve it? You say we'll die, death holds no fear.

Victory!

Day one of SGD went great! I had some veggies for lunch with hummus( 25) , some crackers before gymnastics (95), and a fiber one brownie after (90). I kinda caved in and had an ice cream (150) total calories =  360. Not too bad at all :)  Oh!  Guess what? I weighed in this morning at ... 129.6!!! I'm finally under 130 again,  and it feels great. I am walking with my head held high, victorious <3 This is amazing. Oh my goodness gracious. I am astounded at how easy restricting has become. In 10 days, I have lost 7.8 lbs. I hope I can keep up a pace of .5lbs per day. My family event is on Sunday, so I have today and 4 more days to lose weight. So, hopefully, I can lose at least 2 lbs by then. Only 6.6lbs to go until I reconsider my plan :) Just gotta keep pushing <3 Stay strong

So Close

130.4 ... I am so close. Tomorrow I will be under. I know I will. I'm starting up SGD today. Anyone want to join? <3 Sunshine

Current Obsession

So, lately I've become more obsessed than usual with getting thigh gap. I don't know why, but I am absolutely obsessed with it lol So I am currently sitting at 132lbs. BMI 20.1. I picked up this horrible habit the past few months of smoking at night an then binging like crazy. Well, I say no more. I've been restricting like crazy for 1 week now, and I brought my weight down from 137.4. I know I can do this is I keep pushing. I mean, losing 5.4lbs in one week from restricting? That's awesome! The key here is to just keep pushing and never binge like that again. I'm serious, I would starve myself all day and then lose it at night and seriously eat like a half pizza, a sandwich, yogurt, chips, rice, bread, candy, seriously, I gained 8 lbs in one night once. Most of it was probably food weight, but it still made me feel horrible. Anyways, I'm back on track now, and I will not lose my focus. I have a family function on the 14th, so that gives me 9 days. Apparently I need 2200 calories per day to maintain my weight. I will be 129 or less by then. That's -3lbs. (-10,500 calories) Divide that by 9 = -1200 per day. I can eat up to 1000 per day, but I'm gonna stick to 700 per day. That will give me a daily deficit of 1,500 x 9days =  13,500/ 3,500= -3.87lbs. I could be at 128 by then :) Honestly though, I could lose 5lbs by then. 127 ahhhhh.... I am obsessed. Sorry for all the mathematics  It soothes me lol Today I had 1/2 cup blueberries (42) and 10 medium strawberries (50). I might have some soup for lunch (160) So that would bring me to 252 calories for the day but I'll round up to 300 just to be safe. So that's -1900, tomorrow I'll have around 500 because I work all day so that's -1700, Sunday will be around 700 so I'll have - 1,500. For the weekend, that's a gran total of -5,100 or 1.45lbs. I would love to be 130 by Monday morning. Well, time for me to stop obsessing. I'm going to catch up on blog reading and do some abs before work. Stay strong lovlies <3

This is What I do When I'm Supposed to be Paying Attention in Class

Leave me alone.                                                                                                                                                        Please, get out of my head.                                                          I know I invited you in,                                                                                                                      but really,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                it's time for you to go.                                                                                                                               You've stripped me of my flesh.                                                                                                                You've stolen my light.                                                                                                                                     I am an empty house of bones.                                                                                                                       Once so tempted to see what lay beneath my skin.                                                                                          We peeled back the layers together.                                                                                                            Ounce by ounce.                                                                                                                                         Pound by pound.                                                                                                                                             My identity was torn away.                                                                                                                               There is nothing left to hide behind.                                                                                                                  All eyes are on you.                                                                                                                                     Isn't this what you wanted?                                                                                                                                                Come one, come all!                                                                                                                                         See the amazing glass girl.                                                                                                                    Delicate,                                                                                                                                                    hollow,                                                                                                                                                        fragile.                                                                                                                                                           Watch her shatter into a million pieces.                                                                                                       Watcher her sparkle and fade on the wind.                                                                                             Scattered through the sky,                                                                                                                                    a million shining stars.                                                                                                                                     The night has finally come.