How Things Have Changed

I just realized that I missed my 2 year anniversary on blogger! September 28th, 2010 I started my blog and my topsy turvey journey down the rabbit hole.Below  is my first ever post on Blogger . It's funny, because on my one year anniversary last year I reposted this as well, but with this comment afterwards:I think it's funny how much my mindset has changed about this whole thing in a year. Ana means so much more now and is just on a whole different level than last year. I'm finally getting my head together and I love this feeling. I hope to still be around on this blog next year :)  Well, I'm still here, and still going strong. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do at all if I wasn't restricting and fasting and tracking and weighing and hoping and failing and restarting and losing. I have decided that I will show no mercy from now until I get to my goal weight. If I binge ( Which I will not!) I will make it come back out and I will fast the whole next day. Today is a turning point. The beginning of the rest of my life.  Hipbones,abs,collarbones,abs and thigh gap. Year three is where it begins.                                  ~~~9/28/2010                So it begins...

Ok, so I'm new to this whole blogging thing. and to pro ana stuff in general. I need a place to let this all out because I can't talk to anyone about this. It's my little secret :) I know I have a problem. Is it really a problem if I don't want to change. This all started with a school project where I had to write a research paper about anorexia. I was so fascinated by the subject. At first, I thought it was a huge problem, but I quickly began to see the appeal of a pro ana lifestyle. For a while, I didn't think about it much. Then, I was at gymnastics the other day, and it came into my head again. I was training with my boyfriend and something he said just set it off. I couldn't do a skill that I should be able to do. I joked saying " maybe I'm just too weak and fat to do this" His reply was " maybe you are" He was totally joking but and I know he was, but a little voice in my head said " maybe he's right..." It's been a week since that comment was made. I've been on pro ana sights every day, hoping and desriring for that control. Control over myself. Control over food. That emptiness in my stomach makes me feel whole. With each calorie cut, I win a tiny battle with myself. I think that I am slowly spiriling into an eating disorder, yet I do nothing to pull myself out. If ana knocks upon my door, I know I will let her in. I wonder where this path will take me...