I Need Help

I need to get my shit together. This is so hard sometimes. I want control so bad but I just keep losing it. I need to find some way to get in control. I started making my thinspo book today. Hopefully looking in it will help me to keep myself in check. If I mess up I need to get back with the program and not just let my whole day go to shit. I'm feeling pretty worthless right now...

Beautiful

One of my Favorite Thinspos!

Thinspo

Stomach Pains

This morning I woke up and went to my 8am college algebra class. I brought a bottle of water and a granola bar with me for breakfast. My stomach has been feeling a little weird lately and I'm so tired. When class was finished , I walked back to my dorm. For some reason, I went to the cafeteria and totally pigged out. Hashbrowns, eggs, sausage, fruit, biscuits and gravy ugh my stomach hurts so bad. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel so disgusting...

Another Thought

I spent the night at my boyfriends house last night. This morning, we were playing around and I was trying to hold his arms down above his head. He easially lifted them up off of the bed even thought I was putting my full weight onto them. I was like " o ya I forgot you can bench press twice my weight" I weight 130lbs His response was " imagine if you weighed 100lbs! It would be so easy to pick you up!" I said " well then I'll drop down to 100lbs just for you!" We laughed about it but that little voice came into my head again telling me what a great idea that would be. Later today we were on the phone and I was telling him how my stomach was growling. He told me to eat something. I reminded him jokingly of how i said i was going to drop down to 100lbs. He then said " forget 100lbs, how about 90lbs, or even 80?" I can't even describe to you the appeal this has. Imagine, double digits...

So it begins...

Ok, so I'm new to this whole blogging thing. and to pro ana stuff in general. I need a place to let this all out because I can't talk to anyone about this. It's my little secret :) I know I have a problem. Is it really a problem if I don't want to change. This all started with a school project where I had to write a research paper about anorexia. I was so fascinated by the subject. At first, I thought it was a huge problem, but I quickly began to see the appeal of a pro ana lifestyle. For a while, I didn't think about it much. Then, I was at gymnastics the other day, and it came into my head again. I was training with my boyfriend and something he said just set it off. I couldn't do a skill that I should be able to do. I joked saying " maybe I'm just too weak and fat to do this" His reply was " maybe you are" He was totally joking but and I know he was, but a little voice in my head said " maybe he's right..." It's been a week since that comment was made. I've been on pro ana sights every day, hoping and desriring for that control. Control over myself. Control over food. That emptiness in my stomach makes me feel whole. With each calorie cut, I win a tiny battle with myself. I think that I am slowly spiriling into an eating disorder, yet I do nothing to pull myself out. If ana knocks upon my door, I know I will let her in. I wonder where this path will take me...