Really?

So, Sunday I had Chips and salsa (400) Soup (400) And chili (300) plus some other randoms. Probably about 1500 calories all together. Not a binge day, but not a good day either. Yesterday I ate 1/2 banana (50) some candy (50) and a red bull (110)= 210 I can't believe I made it through 4 hours of gymnastics with only that. I'm finally under 130 again. 129.4  I need to get down as low as I can before Thanksgiving witch is on Thursday ugh I have 2 dinners to go to, and I don't want to look weird and raise suspicions by not eating, so I need to fast as much as I can before Thursday to counteract the damage I will certainly do. I think I'm going to do a fruit and veggie fast today and tomorrow because I have gymnastics again today and work tomorrow. I'm feeling so strong. It's crazy. I have a big pineapple to cut up and celery and spinach. Mmmmmmm I'm excited. I want to look super skinny and wonderful for thanksgiving because I haven't seen a lot of my family since august, when I was 143 (ugh, never again!) and as of this morning, I'm 14 pounds less than that let's see if we can get to 15 pounds less (127) by Thursday. I'll post a pic of my outfit and everything on Thursday, so you all can see my progress. I hope this works

Keep Screamin Till They Hear You Out

I really want someone to notice. To help me. To listen and really hear what I'm saying. Take action. My God, don't you see what's right in front of your eyes? How can you say I look the same. How can someone drop 18 fucking pounds and you don't notice? How can my bmi go from 21.7 to 19 in less than 3 months and you don't see it?  Fuck you all. Seriously. You have the nerve to tell me I look the same? Open your eyes damn it

What an Asshole

Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight? 

No, and if they did they would probably freak out and try to institutionalize me lol      

 So there's this new guy at work that everybody is obsessed with. he is going into the armed forced and I admit he's a handsome guy, but not my type at all. Anyways, we were all talking about what we ate that morning and I had a sandwich made of a beagel (270) amrican cheese (60) and a thin smear of cream cheese (15) = 345 That's all I was planning on having for the day. He was like , "whoa! That's a lot of calories and fat!" What a dick! I wanted to smack him in the face :( What an asshole ugh I felt so terrible for the rest of the night, and when I ate a blackberry (15) He saw and was like " Whoa! They just keep adding up!" Guys are so rude

Tired Eyes

Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?   
I don't think I've every been overweight, but last summer my weight was "dangerously low" 107 and they put me in the clinic and fattened me up. It didn't teach me anything at all... just made me want to get skinnier as soon as possible.                                                                                                 

 I feel myself getting stronger, gaining more control over myself. I am not going to weigh myself until next weekend and I have a feeling that I am going to be astounded by my progress :) I can do this. Even after slipping up a little bit the past few days, my weight still went down a little. This is fantastic. 

Does This Sound Disordered to You?

Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?

Yes, The rest of my life

6:45 Am Waking up. Stripping down. Getting on the scale. Going to the bathroom. Weighing myself again. Taking a shower. Weighing my self with towel on. Weighing with no towel on. Drying off completely. Weighing myself again. Packing my books and a banana and a water . Going to class. Drinking the water. Writing in my notebook all through class not paying attention: Meal plans, exercise plans, calories deficit calculations. Weight loss calculations. Class dismissed. Driving home. Putting the banana back on the counter. Weighing myself full clothing. Go to the bathroom. Weigh in again.  Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Drink more water. Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat. If you eat, take it back out. Leaning over. Hand in throat.  Everything down the drain. Clean yourself up.. Stare into the mirror. Who are you? It doesn't matter now. We'll figure that out later. Big smile now! Head throbbing. Crawl back to the couch. Look at thinspo, blogs, recipies, anorexia movies online until he gets home. Close the computer quickly and put away before he comes inside. Big smile. Warm hugs. Cook chicken (150) and eat only when in front of him. Go to gymnastics 6-10pm. Come home. Go to bathroom. Weigh myself again. Smile at lost water weight. Try try try so hard to avoid food. End up with about 500 more calories. Feel. Like. Shit. Stay up as late as possible. Go to be with him. Snuggle. Wait until he is asleep. Lay awake searching for answers on the dark ceiling. Calculating the calories like always.  Planning the next day. Cursing myself for eating. My stomach screaming at me. Thinking about the food. Calculating. Always calculating. Drifting away in Ana's embrace. 6:45 AM...

Me and My Bones

 

**I just realized that I never published this post somehow! I apologize a million times for being so absent minded. Please forgive me :)

Time for another blog feature!! Today's is about a lovely blog called Me and My Bones. First off, I would just like to say how proud I am of her. She started off at 145lbs and is down to 115! That is absolutely astounding. She is down 30 pounds and going strong. This is just wonderful :) From what I can tell, she works at a care home for elderly people, and she puts her heart and soul into caring these people. I really love how passionate she is about helping them and making their lives as best she can. Also, if she notices someone on blogger is having a rough time, she writes such kind and uplifting comments for them to help them get back up on their feet. I know they've helped me get through some rough patches. It's so nice to come across such a selfless person in this world we live in today. We all get dragged down by life sometimes, but she fights tooth and nail until she rises to the top and is victorious. Her progress is amazing, and she also has a nice thinspo pics page and a page of tips and tricks. I feel like sometimes, when people say they are listening and trying to help you, they are just going through the motions and trying to satisfy you. This is not the case here! If you were to email Abby with a problem or concern, she would listen with open ears and an open heart. Her advice would be sincere and heartfelt. Abby is  genuine, 100% supportive, and just plain amazing.  Seriously, you need to check out this blog. The posts are fantastic and so inspiring. "Every visible bone is a gift.......I'm unwrapping mine one pound at a time"

Buddies

Apparently Ana has a  friend named Bella and we've just met...