As Summer Slowly Fades

Hey there. If you've been following my blog for any amount of time, you'll know that if I'm embarrassed about something, I tend to avoid posting. Also, with me, tomorrow is a very ambiguous word. It really could mean tomorrow. Or it could mean whenever I have the courage, which could mean next month. Everything around me is just building. Something is about to change big time. I'm covertly typing this on my BF's laptop, so I have to go for now. It will all be worth the wait, trust me.

Until tomorrow ,<3

Shadows Creepin In

So there is probably a limited amount of damage you can do in a short period of time, and I am doing my best to find that limit. Massive updates are necessary. Sorry to have left you all hanging. Tomorrow will be different. Brace yourselves, because I will bare all.

Who am I?

I've been changing a lot lately. 

I feel kind of numb sometimes, and off the wall at other times.

 I think my sex drive is through the roof right now.

I suddenly find my self thinking bad things about guys at work.

 I want to flirt and be free, but I restrain myself. 

I bought 2 underage girls at work a handle of Captain Morgan. I am too cool for school.

I am almost positive that I am leaving the USA. About 97% sure

I've lost all control with the eating business again. Time to starve it all away again.

I have a secret, but I'm not ready to reveal it yet. Let's just say it's life altering.

I have no desire to proceed forward with my hum drum life. 

It's all just about biding my time and planning at this point. 

I have plans. Until September 21: save money, get rid of all unneeded possessions, do exercises every day to tighten and lift my fat flabby ass, 800 cal or less per day.

I need to get rid of everything extra: weight,possessions, emotions, people.

I think it's finally time.

Run Away, Run Away From the Pain..

That's it, I'm out of here. I'm really not kidding. I am going to pack my bags and leave this fucking place forever. I need time to be just me. I can't be "us" all the time. Ugh I haven't been single for more than a month or two since I was like 15. That's 6 years of being "we" instead of "I". I never got to grow on my own. I've never really got to discover who I am as an individual. Can I even stand on my own feet? 

WTF 

I love my boyfriend, but as we approach 3 years, and the possibility of a ring, I realize there is so much surrounding him that I don't love. His history, some family members, certain lifestyle choices and personality traits. Some of these things I tolerate well, for now, but how about in 10 years. Should I have to compromise my happiness, and deal with this on a daily basis? Should I have to tolerate things about him?  It's not like cute little idiosyncratic habits, it's fucking annoying. Sometimes, I can't even stand him touching me now. Is it worth it? 

 Idk what the fuck changed about me, but something is up. 1/5 life crisis? I'm not taking anyone's shit anymore. I'm so much more assertive and confident and honestly, I'm starting to actually care about my own needs for once. This is new...

As of tomorrow, I start my rapid plotting and planning, as only I can, and by my next birthday, I'm outta here. Important steps include, saving the money, picking the place, learning the language (thank you Rosetta Stone), and finding a way to support myself once I get there. I think I will begin with a spring semester abroad, a short visit home, and then returning to my new home country. I gotta leave this place. I wasn"t meant to live here. These are not my people. This is not my culture. This is not the way I want to live. Soon, I will depart this country, never to live here again.Should I tell my boyfriend what I'm planning and bring him along? Should I keep it all a secret until I'm positive about what I'm going to do?

I'm so sure and unsure at the same time about all of this. I need your advice please! What the hell am I supposed to do?

I"m Baaaaaaack! (Reposting for the pictures to show up lol)

And better than ever! :) Israel is the most amazing place I've ever been. I'm going back in a few months, because I just can't stay away. I met a soldier there and he was so amazed by me.  He would grab my waist or put his hand around my wrist, and he would always say with a smile," You're so skinny, but it's good. I like it"  The whole time we were there, the group had to wake up at about 6:30 AM and then we would walk all day in the hot sun. We did so much hiking and swimming, it was crazy. All of the food was so light and healthy, and it was driving me crazy to not weigh myself, I could see that I'm shrinking, but I didn't know how much. I'm finally home, and I weighed myself this morning. 126.8, BMI 19.3 :D haha!! I'm so excited. I'm probably dehydrated, so it will go up a little, but this progress is great :) I'm so freaking excited right now that I could just flip. I have 2 wonderful pictures for you all too. Just some pics from a test shoot for a modeling company. I hope I can get signed soon, How has everyone been?? Any exciting update? Tell me what you think of the pictures <3 Sunshine

So There's This Girl

She's on my gymnastics team and she's 13. We are so alike that it's crazy. I swear when talk to her, it's like I'm speaking with my self at that age. It's like a mirror to the past. I always wanted a little sister. She's outgoing, sweet, and a little nerdy. She always seems so happy... to everyone else. I recognize that forced smile. I know that dance around the questions. I know how to light a fire and leave everyone else to put it out while I run in the other direction. I knew she was hiding some pain, and I knew she needed someone to open up to. I want to be there for her like nobody ever was for me. We both never sleep. She cuts, I starve. We let everything out today. It's like we both hold each others deepest secrets. There's this deep bond between us now.If one of us goes down, we both go down. She told me she hasn't cut in about five months. I told her I only have problems with ana maybe once per month. 

I have a feeling that we're both lying.

I'm Baaaaack!

And better than ever! :) Israel is the most amazing place I've ever been. I'm going back in a few months, because I just can't stay away. I met a soldier there and he was so amazed by me.  He would grab my waist or put his hand around my wrist, and he would always say with a smile," You're so skinny, but it's good. I like it"  The whole time we were there, the group had to wake up at about 6:30 AM and then we would walk all day in the hot sun. We did so much hiking and swimming, it was crazy. All of the food was so light and healthy, and it was driving me crazy to not weigh myself, I could see that I'm shrinking, but I didn't know how much. I'm finally home, and I weighed myself this morning. 126.8, BMI 19.3 :D haha!! I'm so excited. I'm probably dehydrated, so it will go up a little, but this progress is great :) I'm so freaking excited right now that I could just flip. I have 2 wonderful pictures for you all too. Just some pics from a test shoot for a modeling company. I hope I can get signed soon, How has everyone been?? Any exciting update? Tell me what you think of the pictures <3 Sunshine