I'm so Friggin' Close!

I'm All Alone...

I seriously feel like nobody reads my blog anymore and if they do, they don't care to respond. Why do I even try anymore. I guess it started out as a place to express myself, but I really did look forward to reading the lovely comments left by readers. It's been 9 days since anyone has cared to talk to me. Should I even post anymore?

Hmmm

It's been a bit dead around here recently. Where did you all go? I have a bad sinus infection and haven't felt much up to posting. I hate antibiotic side effects. Haven't felt much like eating either. I'm hovering around 130 right now, and I'm all bloated from my period. I gave up junk food, sweets, etc. for Lent, so I'm pretty sure I'll never binge at night again. I also gave up smoking, so no more munchies for me. I'm going to try to pray before each meal, say a rosary daily, and do a little Bible study each day. Saint Catherine of Sienna shall be my inspiration for this Lent. Catholic question: What did you all give up or take on for Lent?

I Need Ideas

 I'm not going to talk about anything really food, diet, or ana related until tomorrow. Right now what I need is suggestions :) My 21st birthday is coming up in a little over two months and I need party ideas. I've decided that for once, I want to be the center of attention. I want people to make a huge freaking deal about me. Usually I take the back seat and let other people shine, but this time, it's my turn. I want to have a family party and then go do something with my friends. I need suggestions for both. Any web sites, pictures, themes, links, ideas and suggestions are welcome. The only thing I'm opposed to is a party bus/ bar crawl sort of thing. I really don't see the fun in getting so drunk that I get sick, make a fool of myself, pass out, have a hang over and/or forget the whole thing the next day. That's just not my thing. Drinking is fine, but I like my liver how it is. SOOOOO, let's here those ideas pour on in!

Professional Ballerina Diet

Sorry, just one more post, I promise. This is the diet I'm going to follow when I'm done fasting. It's the meal plan I found on a professional ballet company's website. I also tried to calculate the calories. Enjoy! 8 AM = Breakfast 1/4 cup low fat cottage cheese (50) + fresh berries (25?) + Porridge cooked with water (150) + 1 piece toast (80) + slice of cheese (100?)+ coffee or tea no sugar or cream. =405 11 AM = 2nd Breakfast 1 container low fat natural yogurt (100)+ an apple (85) + green tea = 185 2pm= Lunch portion of light vegetable soup (75) or 1/3 cup brown rice (75) + a serving of baked chicken (150) + 1 cup salad of steamed seasonal veg (25)= 250 5 PM= Afternoon Lunch An apple (85) + toast (80) + slice of cheese (100) + piece of dark chocolate (25) + cup of green tea. =290 9 PM = Dinner Baked fish (Swai =70) + salad ( mine will be spinach and tomato (50) Total for day =120 Total= 1250 I don't know how that worked out that perfectly, but it did. I feel like deprivation is the reason for a lot of my binges, so I'm going to start off around 1200 and slowly taper back each week to around 800. I'm sure I've estimated a bit high on the calories, but that protects me from underestimation. I am very excited about this new plan, and I hope it helps me get tiny. This should promote about 2 lbs per week loss. After my 4 day fast, I should be  will be below 130, and then I will maintain this plan for about 11 weeks (until my birthday). I want to be 120 for my birthday. Well, here goes nothing.

Respite

I'm back at 135 where I fucking started because of all this binging bullshit. I'm so pissed off you wouldn't believe. I wish my boyfriend didn't enjoy bringing me pizza and pasta and all sorts of fat and sugar loaded calories. I know he means well, but enough is enough. I'm taking my life back. Seriously, Mardi Gras will mark one year since I've been caught in this staying up late smoking weed and binging every night and starving all day cycle. I've lost a year of my life to this shit, and I'm done with it. I'm fasting since 1 AM this morning and I'm going to fast until Sunday morning whenever I get up, probably around 9 AM that will be 4 days and 8 hours. I want every little bit of junk out of me, and then I'm going to start up with a very restrictive fruit and veg only diet. Lent starts on Wednesday, so I'll fast that day as well, then I have a cheat day on Valentines day, because I'm sure the BF is taking me out somewhere nice. I feel like I need to go this alone, so I will post again on Sunday morning. I might still update on the other blog about the more normal aspects of my life, but I will not be around here until Sunday. I need all the support I can get to put my life back on track, so send some love my way <3 I can get through this, I know it <3

The Crownless Again Shall be King

 I messed up big time yesterday.Stupid fucking Superbowl party. Let's see 1 fun size bag peanut M&Ms (90), 1 fun size Snickers (80), 3 Ghiradelli chocolate squares(180), 1 truffle (60), 3 green olives (20), chips and taco dip (300?), 3 oreos (210), 1 cup pub mix(140), 1 hot dog (280), 5 chicken strips (500), ummm is that all? I feel like such a pig. That's 1860 calories of disgusting sugar and fat just fermenting in my body and attaching to my back and thighs. Somebody shoot me please. The good thing is, I'm going all natural today. I'm only having fruit and vegetables and plain lean protein (either chicken breast or swai fillet) Oh!! I found a whole line of zero calorie salad dressing! How amazing is that? I bough zero calorie balsamic vinaigrette and zero calorie Caesar dressing. I haven't tried them yet, but i will at lunch today. This is how my life is going to go for the next week. Fruit for breakfast = 150 or less. Lunch = spinach salad+ chicken+ zero calorie dressing+ tomato= 100 calories or less. Snack= fruit and water smoothie = 100 or less Dinner= Swai fillet (70) + Some veggies (130 or less) My daily total will be 550 or less. OH and I'm getting  a water bottle that's around 32 oz and I'm going to mark it off with 7 increments on each side saying 8 AM, 9 Am, 10 AM, etc. all the way down to 10 PM so that I know I'm getting enough water throughout the day, and I'm not wasting all those disposable plastic bottles. Once I'm half way through the day, I'll refill the bottle and start tracking on the other side. I should be drinking about 4.5 oz per hour to be fully hydrated. I need to completely clean all of the junk out of my insides for good. I really hope this month of healthy clean eating will reset my system, and help me be healthier and happier. Plus, I'll be negative 1500 per day losing about 3 lbs per week. The hardest part is going to be avoiding the junk food binges late at night, but if I just can't avoid eating, you better believe I'll be reaching for the strawberries or apples or something nutritious. If I'm really hungry, and not just greedy, then fruit or veg should fill me up. I'm gonna go cook some chicken breast slice it into strips to keep int the fridge for my salads. I still need to get a scale battery. It's that weird round kind, so we don't have any lying around the house. I'm kinda glad though, because I don't have to see how much damage I did last night. <3