L is for...

I know that love exists
I feel it in the fluttering ache in my chest
In the fruitless flap of the butterfly's wings
In that deep, hollow chasm
Exactly where my heart should be

I shoot them down one by one

Hello All

Hey there...

Life has been a pain.
I'm sure you all understand that.

I have been hanging out at 123 lbs. for quite a while now
I want to be at 117
This is my goal for now.

I will post as soon as I can.
I will also add new pics.

How are you all?

So Yeah...

School has been a bitch lately.
I will update tomorrow when I have more energy.
Sorry about that...

A Question I Need Answered

I need opinions here people. and I will give my answer later.

The question is, 

"In your experience, are eating disorders a choice, or a disease?"

This question has been plaguing my mind lately...

Please leave comments below!

XoXo

Sunshine

Blame it on Blogger + Lots of New Photos!!

Hello Everyone!!

Did You miss me?

I apologize for my long absence.
I was not able to log into my blog for the longest time, and I finally have access to it again!!
I can not believe it has been over 2 months!

I have missed you all so much it is crazy!
I promise to post at least weekly from here on out :)
(but of course, life will inevitably get in the way)

I am between classes right now, so I will have to make this quick.

Updates:
I am still rocking the thigh gap daily :) It never hides from me now lol

I am still only weighing in on Sunday mornings

I find that this helps to keeps me from getting obsessive and disappointed, which ultimately leads to binging and failure. Sunday night is family dinner, which is always something heavy, so not weighing in on Monday and Tuesday is probably a very good thing for me. Also, i will have a whole week to correct for the mistakes of Sunday evening before I have to weigh in again :)

My weight now sits between 120 and 123
I feel like that is an amazing thing, but also, I can not afford to get complacent
As such, I am going to be fasting for 3 days between tonight at midnight, and Sunday evening at family dinner
Does anyone want to join??

It seems like in my absence, my blog has mostly turned into a recruiting ground for pro-ana buddies,
and this is fine, but fair warning, if you post your age, and you are super young, I might delete your contact information. I'm not trying to judge, but there is just something about 12 and 13 year-old girls getting their start with and eating disorder from my blog that kind gives me goosebumps...

Anywho... I would love to know how everyone is doing and any exciting updates??

I will be checking in on blogs tonight after class, and commenting as I can

<3 Sunshine

P.S. I'm not sure if I've posted any of these pics before, but there are some recent ones and some brand new ones so you all can see my progress :)

Vicious Cycle

"I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat."

I'm starting to get that dark eyes, exhausted, starving artist look. I only weigh in once a week now, but the numbers hold steady. Hovering just a hair above "underweight." I've never been so small for so long. Idk when I last weighed in above 125. It's scary how easy this is all becoming.

Sitting Pretty

Have you all noticed a shift in your set weight since all the Ana madness ensued?

Back before all of this, in my Senior year of high school, my weigh would sit between 135-140 

if I wasn't consciously trying to manage it.

Once college happened, and I became obsessed with the numbers 

133 was an amazing number, and anything above 137 was absolutely disgusting

The I dropped into the 130-135 range

and down 

and down

 and down

Now my weight naturally sits between 123 and 127 without me even trying to maintain

I guess my habits have changed and i just didn't notice

If I start to approach anything resembling 130, I panic and starve

last time I weighed, I was 123.6

I don't look any different, but i always feel like I can feel the bones in my face protruding

You can't possibly lose 14% of your body weight and not notice

idk, though...

I feel like I look the exact same, 

but with a high weigh of 143, those 20 lbs obviously went somewhere...

Sorry!

I am fully aware that I, "Disappeared without warning." 

I really appreciate all of the concerned emails

 <3 <3 <3 

At least someone cares!

It's just been crazy chaotic around here lately, like always. 

It's no excuse, and I'm very sorry about that. 

My new resolution is to post at minimum once per week. 

It's not fair to leave you all hanging. 

I just finished that lovely time of month, so a fast is needed :) 

My eating patterns always go to shit this time of month.

  I need to rebalance things. 

SOOOO the plan is to fast Thursday- Sunday evening. 

Who wants to join me??

<3 Sunshine

Progress Pics and a Fast, What Could be Better?

Hello All!!!

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, school has me by the throat right now.

I really don't have appropriate time for a proper post now, but I wanted to post these pics for you all , and announce that I'll be fasting Midnight tonight through Sunday at 8 AM, when I will weigh myself.

Does anyone wish to join me?

It is so much easier to have support through this :)

Progress: I can see my hip bones curving up and around the back now. Can you all see it too? :)

<3 Sunshine

You Watch the World Complain. but You do it Anyway

Not having batteries for the scale is driving me nuts!!
I'm losing weight though, I can feel it :)
The stress of school is killing my appetite, and I love it
117 is going to be mine...

Disconnect

I watch House, and I worry about dying like those people,

Organs pulsing,

Blood gushing out.

I really don't want to end up like them.

That's the thing though. 

Right when I think I think of being like them, I am comforted.

I'm not like them, so I can't end up like them.

I really don't think I'm like anyone.

I feel like if they cut me open.they'd be in for a surprise.

Like i'd be arranged differently, missing something, or maybe having something extra...

Maybe there's nothing in there and it's all just an illusion.

I find myself detaching from the situation a lot lately, and this isn't like me.

Usually, I'm a little too excitable and emotional about things.

Lately though, it's like an out of body experience.

I get stressed out, so i step out of myself and just stare in pity at her.

The moment I feel pain, I just remove myself from it, and don't allow myself to feel it.

It really is a perplexing situation.

Maybe it's from the restricting...

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Stress= Relief

Hello beautiful readers!!

How are you all doing on this glorious day?

I'm typing this post on my laptop while riding an exercise bike at the gym, and I'm getting some funny looks.

That's ok though, at least I'm not getting as many looks as the sweaty guy in short shorts on the treadmill singing Adele between gasps of air. He's actually very entertaining to watch, because you can tell his doesn't give two shits about the people staring. Anyways...

Wow, so my classes this semester are all very reading intensive. I have to read basically a chapter or two each week, about 30 pages per chapter, for each class, and make chapter outlines. So what is that, like 300 pages each week? Yikes! Good thing my Psych Stat book has lots of pictures, practice problems, charts, and diagrams lol That basically cuts the actual text I'm reading in half.

I am just so absorbed with homework, and it's only day 3.

I just wish my f'ing planner would arrive, or at least ship! lol Stupid Lilly Pulitzer

The good thing is, the stress takes away any appetite I have, or maybe it's all the coffee...

Either way, I'm loving it!

I've probably had about 2000 calories the past 3 days, and I've been working out more at home to "relieve the stress" Translation: make my cals as negative as possible for the day.

Oh, and my bf is just so understanding :) 

"I'm hungry!"

"Here, let me make you dinner, and I'll get something once I finish my work. I don't want to break my concentration"

" You're such a good girlfriend!"

The beast gets fed, and he loves watching me do school work. 

He said it makes him proud. Dinner and a show lol

I won't weigh in until Sunday morning, but expect great news!!

I can see more bones than ever :)

A little girl on my gymnastics team pointed out the fact that you could see where my spine sticks out because of the line of sweat dots going down the back of my shirt during warm up lol

For all you college students, have you started class yet?

How are things going?

<3 Sunshine

A Sunny Spot

I feel like such a nerd, but I love back to school time!! 

Classes start on Monday!My classes actually sound really interesting this semester. Probably because this time around, they actually apply to my specific major!!

English Composition

Advanced Spanish 

 Multicultural Psychology

 Understanding Statistical Inferences in Psychology

History and Systems of Psychology

 I went to school yesterday, met with my academic adviser, and finalized my schedule for the semester. I also officially declared my major! So excited about this :) 

I took a competency exam yesterday and I tested out of trigonometry, pre-calculus, and calculus!!! 

I'm really good at math, I just don't enjoy all of the busy work. What a relief that I'm done with math! 

I just can't sit through those boring lessons. I will lose interest and distract others :) Usually with loud talking and inappropriate comments about the professor which sends my neighbors into hysterical fits of laughter. 

Especially if they were up late the night before, "studying." 

Sleep deprivation works wonders on how well my jokes are received by those around me. 

Less sleep= louder, more prolonged laughing

How's that for some math?

Another beautiful thing about this time of year is Sweater weather!! AH I'm so excited for boots, scarves and big over sized sweaters. Oh and tights under skirts! And hats and gloves! I definitely need to get a nice pair of gloves and a felt hat this year :D Ok, Ok, I think I might have pre-fall fever :)

I'm going to go catch some final summer rays

What's your favorite thing about this time of year?

<3 Sunshine

That's What he Said...

" Of course you're small. Honestly, if you were any smaller, I'd be mad."

*   *   *

Prepare to be pissed

Paleolithic

Hello lovely readers! I have a question for you...

Has anyone tried the paleo diet?

I feel like it will be a good way to get to my ugw.

So tell me, does it work?

How much weight did you lose on it in how much time?

Let me know <3

** These pants used to be so tight I had to suck in to close them! Now they won't stay up !**

  :) US size 4

Reposting My Pics

Hello! 

  So I posted some updated pics a few days ago, and apparently, they don't show up! D: (cue dramatic music!  Dun, Dun,Dun!)

0.o Anyways...

Here they are again! Enjoy!!

<3 Sunshine

Meet me at the glass

hand reaching, eyes search for truth

my outside looks in

Question...

Can you all see the pictures on my last post? I received an email from someone who could not see the pictures, but I can see them fine when I look at my page.

 Let me know, please :)

Reflection

Meet me at the glass

hand reaching, eyes search for truth

my outside looks in

I thought you all could use some more dramatic poetry and selfy pics ;)

Enjoy, lovlies <3

Time to Start This Again

 Each day of the week will have a theme:

Meager Meatless Mondays=

 No meat, no dairy and no bread today. Try to fill up on around 1000 calories of pure, unrefined fruit and vegetables. I know, its a lot of calories, and a lot of food, but it will do wonders for your body. Try to incorporate an ab workout today. I'll post my personal workout on this day :)

Tiny Tummy Tuesday=

Today is all about debloating the tummy. Aim for 8 glasses of lemon water to flush out toxins and get rid of excess water. Try to make today as low as possible on carbs. 800 cal or less of pure protein; eggs, meat, fish, nuts, legumes, soy. Whatever  floats your boat :) I'll post an exercise challenge each Tuesday.

No Worries Wednesday=

Today is kind of a free day. Eat whatever clean foods you want, but stay under 1200!Absolutely no junk food, candy, cakes, chips, etc. Another abs workout day!

Thinking Thin Thursday=

Cut carbs and calories today. The maximum is 500 calories. Try to limit the carbs to those found in whole fruits and veg. Make sure to get some nice protein as well. Today is a last chance to cut out weight before the weigh in tomorrow morning! Also, cutting way back will help with fasting tomorrow. 

Fasting Friday=

It's weigh day!!! Get your skinny ass up on the scale and report your wonderful loss on my weigh in post. Only water/tea/coffee today. No sweeteners. Trust me on this one. Just take a day each week to let your boy heal and detox. Evaluate your loss this week. No hard exercise today. 

Soup and Smoothie Saturday=

If you made it through the fast, you haven't had real food since Wednesday. You don't want to shock your system too badly with a sudden belly full of food. Let's have around 900 cal of healthy soup and smoothies. Be gentle on your body. Work those abs out today!!

Funday Sunday!=

This is family dinner day for me, so I can't be too restrictive. Today is a free day, so eat what you wish. Try to listen to your body and only eat if you are hungry. Allow your self one treat, but keep it in moderation. No other junk foods or bad foods allowed except your treat. Try to keep the treat or dessert under 350

I'm so Melodramatic

Step right up!

Binge and Purge, Starve and carve.

Walk away slowly, 

only to come running back.

Clinging to the bars.

Standing at the gates of this demented carnival,

The freak show 

Life.

Sucked in by the merry go round of thoughts,

whirling,

spinning out of

control.

The games are crooked.

The fun house mirrors lie.

Silly girl,

You know the real magic lies 

behind the curtain

Beckoning forward with grin and bending finger

But wait! 

There's a price if you'd like to see inside. 

It must be written in the flesh.

 I pay with my soul.

The temptation irresistible.

I want to levitate. 

Please,

saw me in half.

Make me disappear before their eyes. 

You'll have me swallowing swords and spitting fire.

Come one come all!

See the amazing shrinking girl!

The bearded lady's got nothing on me.